Velvet Al provides audio commentary for bad movies, in real time, as he watches them for the first time.
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Velvet Al Watches Tiger Cruise So You Don't Have To
54:20
54:20
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54:20
If a movie is called "Tiger Cruise," you expect tigers. And if that movie is set on 9/11, you expect the tigers to be fighting terrorists. Double fail.
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1
Baywatch Nights Season 2, Episode 4: The Strike
15:41
15:41
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15:41
We miss when this show was mostly about Angie Harmon in a bikini.
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Velvet Al Watches Captain Battle Legacy War So You Don't Have To
54:59
54:59
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54:59
A soldier on a superstrength serum fights a red-faced Nazi? Where have we seen that before?
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1
Baywatch Nights Season 2, Episode 3: The Rig
32:11
32:11
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32:11
Can slow motion bouncing defeat slow moving blob?
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Velvet Al Watches The Perfect Score So You Don't Have To
59:02
59:02
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59:02
There's worse reasons to watch a movie than the promise of a Scarlett Johansson upskirt.
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1
Baywatch Nights Season 2, Episode 2: The Creature
31:03
31:03
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31:03
Hey Baywatch Nights producers, we watched "Species" too. But not "Species 2."
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Velvet Al Watches Embrace Of The Vampire So You Don't Have To
55:48
55:48
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55:48
It's just not the same without Alyssa Milano's boobs.
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Baywatch Nights Season 2, Episode 1: Terror Of The Deep
33:42
33:42
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33:42
The beginning of Baywatch Nights: X-Files Edition.
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Velvet Al Watches My Life With Morrisey So You Don't Have To
1:09:09
1:09:09
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1:09:09
What kind of deranged person fantasizes about spending time with Morrisey?
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Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 22: Heat Rays
46:30
46:30
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46:30
The Beach Boys wish they were as cool as the Heat Rays.
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Velvet Al Watches Empire Records So You Don't Have To
59:24
59:24
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59:24
We're pretty sure the only reason anyone likes this movie is because Liv Tyler strips down to her underwear.
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1
Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 21: A Closer Look
26:47
26:47
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26:47
Offering unscrupulous landlords free cable comes in quite handy for a detective.
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Velvet Al Watches Female Zombie Riot So You Don't Have To
46:46
46:46
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46:46
Zombie boobs. At least there's that.
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1
Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 20: Rendezvous
25:13
25:13
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25:13
Don't challenge David Hasselhoff to a game of racquetball. He will crush you.
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Velvet Al Watches Asian School Girls So You Don't Have To
1:26:18
1:26:18
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1:26:18
We think Velvet Al downloaded the wrong video.
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Velvet Al Watches Easter Someday So You Don't Have To
27:01
27:01
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27:01
We apologize for ruining Easter for you.
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Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 19: Epilogue
37:57
37:57
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37:57
Shouldn't the title "Epilogue" have been saved for the finale?
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Velvet Al Watches Slotherhouse So You Don't Have To
55:06
55:06
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55:06
This film was made possible due to tax cuts from the country of Serbia. We believe that makes "Slotherhouse" an international war crime.
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Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 18: Vengeance
36:06
36:06
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36:06
Why do killers set so many arbitrary rules upon themselves?
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Velvet Al Watches "Chuck E. Cheese In The Galaxy 5000" (plus "Where's Rodney?") So You Don't Have To
1:10:55
1:10:55
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1:10:55
Is it just us or is that chicken in the cheerleader outfit kind of hot? Bonus: A sitcom pilot so bad it manages to make Rodney Dangerfield unfunny.
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1
Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 17: Code of Silence
47:46
47:46
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47:46
Not even a samurai sword is a match for David Hasselhoff.
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Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 16: The Curator
34:52
34:52
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34:52
I am not happy with the Dead Corpse To Angie Harmon In A Bikini ratio in this episode.
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Velvet Al Watches Christmas Cheer And Christmas Dress So You Don't Have To
44:20
44:20
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44:20
What better way to ruin your Christmas?
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Velvet Al Watches Christmas Thieves So You Don't Have To
51:23
51:23
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51:23
If Tom Arnold was my brother, I wouldn't tell my wife either.
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Baywatch Nights, Season 1, Episode 15: Thief In The Night
24:47
24:47
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24:47
She not only steals jewelry. She also steals hearts.
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Velvet Al Celebrates His Birthday So You Don't Have To
49:00
49:00
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49:00
What better present for the man who has everything than forcing him to watch bad birthday cartoons?
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Velvet Al Watches No Contest So You Don't Have To
48:23
48:23
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48:23
Shannon Tweed doesn't show her boobs and Roddy Piper doesn't crack one liners. What fresh hell are we living in?
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1
Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 14: Backup
35:11
35:11
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35:11
The Hasselhoff Detective Agency sure do take on a lot of cases that don't pay.
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Velvet Al Watches Strippers vs Werewolves So You Don't Have To
1:30:58
1:30:58
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1:30:58
We learn a lot about werewolf mythos. We also learn a lot about stripper mythos.
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Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 13: Payback
37:17
37:17
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37:17
Angie Harmon strips to her underwear and Geraldo Rivera goes into Berserker Rage. On second thought, you might actually want to watch this episode.
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Velvet Al Watches "Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape" (Plus "Poochinski") So You Don't Have To
1:13:05
1:13:05
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1:13:05
The intro disclaimer promised graphic nudity. They lied to us. Also, someone made a pilot for a TV show starring Peter Boyle as a talking dog detective and it didn't get picked up? Further proof there is no justice in the world.
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Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 12: Thin Blood
49:32
49:32
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49:32
Blood isn't thicker than Hasselhoff.
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Velvet Al Watches Mennonite Of The Living Dead So You Don't Have To
1:19:45
1:19:45
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1:19:45
Most of the episode is spent discussing the finer points of orgy etiquette.
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Velvet Al Watches Manson Brothers Midnight Zombie Massacre So You Don't Have To
39:01
39:01
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39:01
It's the pro wrestlers vs zombies movie that isn't "Pro Wrestlers Vs Zombies."
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1
Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 11: Takeover
34:40
34:40
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34:40
We already forgot what this episode was about.
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Velvet Al Watches Carlito's Angels So You Don't Have To
46:27
46:27
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46:27
How do you say jigglevision in Spanish?
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Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 10: Kind Of A Drag
34:47
34:47
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34:47
David Hasselhoff in drag and a random performance from Skee Lo. Does television get any better?
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Velvet Al Watches The Little Mermaid (Not That One) So You Don't Have To
1:11:12
1:11:12
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1:11:12
The nice thing about adapting public domain stories is that if you want to, you can make the Little Mermaid a stripper.
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1
Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 9: Blues Boy
40:01
40:01
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40:01
B.B. King will do anything for a paycheck.
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Velvet Al Watches 2016 (Ghana) So You Don't Have To
1:15:12
1:15:12
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1:15:12
This film suggests that Aliens and Predators have set aside their differences and started mating. That gives us hope for the future.
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Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 8: Balancing Act
27:34
27:34
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27:34
Learn the origin story of the David Hasselhoff Detective Agency
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Velvet Al Watches Assault Of The Killer Bimbos So You Don't Have To
41:23
41:23
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41:23
Not affiliated with Bimbo Bakeries.
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Baywatch Nights, Season 1, Episode 7: Pressure Cooker
30:20
30:20
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30:20
It's totally not racist to have the black guy go undercover at a chicken restaurant.
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Velvet Al Watches Killer Rack So You Don't Have To
1:02:38
1:02:38
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1:02:38
You'd expect a movie about boobs to have more gratuitous nudity.
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Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 6: 976 Ways To Say I Love You
36:36
36:36
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36:36
Angie Harmon being really bad at phone sex gave us chubb.
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Velvet Al Watches Deadly Punkettes So You Don't Have To
1:10:51
1:10:51
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1:10:51
Or Velvet Al Sees Andy Dick's Nutsack So You Don't Have To
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Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 5: Just A Gigolo
29:39
29:39
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29:39
How much would you pay for a night with David Hasselhoff?
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Velvet Al Watches The Oogieloves In The Big Balloon Adventure So You Don't Have To
1:04:28
1:04:28
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1:04:28
Just what are the logistics of a vacuum cleaner having sex with a window?
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Baywatch Nights Season 1, Episode 4: "Deadly Vision"
32:42
32:42
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32:42
The psychic's powers are real! And so are her boobs!
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Velvet Al Watches Octopus II So You Don't Have To
56:18
56:18
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56:18
It's 4th of July! What can be more patriotic than a killer octopus?
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