E119: Why Do Adult Children Of Alcoholics Attract the Wrong People?

Adult Child of Dysfunction

In this episode, we dive deep into a question that plagues many adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families: Why do we attract the wrong people into our lives? Drawing from my personal experience and years of coaching, I explore the hidden patterns and subconscious forces that lead us to replicate unhealthy dynamics in our adult relationships.

Understanding the Impact of Dysfunctional Families

Childhood in a dysfunctional household teaches us how to survive, but those survival skills often sabotage us later in life. We learn to anticipate others’ needs, avoid conflict, and equate love with uncertainty or performance. These experiences shape our attachment styles, often leading to anxious or avoidant patterns in adult relationships. Our subconscious seeks familiarity, even if it’s toxic, because it feels safer than stepping into the unknown.

Why We Attract the Wrong People

The traits we develop to cope—like people-pleasing, caretaking, and a lack of boundaries—make us susceptible to unhealthy relationships. We often gravitate toward partners who mirror the chaos we grew up with or who need “fixing,” as it gives us a sense of purpose. Emotional intensity can feel like love when, in reality, it’s just reenacting old wounds.

Fear of abandonment and rejection also plays a significant role. For many of us, tolerating mistreatment feels less frightening than risking the vulnerability of being alone. This fear makes us cling to relationships that aren’t serving us. We also tend to seek validation from emotionally unavailable partners or even narcissists, believing that winning their approval will somehow heal the unfulfilled parts of our childhood.

Breaking the Cycle

Healing starts with awareness. When we recognize these patterns, we can begin to rewrite our stories. Inner child work is a powerful tool in this process, helping us soothe the wounds that drive our unhealthy choices. Building self-worth and setting clear boundaries are essential steps toward attracting healthy, reciprocal relationships.

It’s also important to redefine what love looks like. Love doesn’t have to be chaotic or dramatic—it can be consistent, kind, and supportive. Therapy, coaching, and support groups like Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) can provide the tools and community needed to heal.

Moving Forward

As adult children of dysfunction, we are not doomed to repeat the patterns of our past. With self-awareness, intentional healing, and the courage to set boundaries, we can break free from the cycle and create relationships rooted in mutual respect and genuine connection.

If this episode resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Connect with me on social media or check out my free resources and coaching options to help you on your journey. Together, we can rewrite the story of your life.

Listen now to learn how to stop attracting the wrong people and start embracing the relationships you truly deserve.

Where is Tammy Speaking Now?

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About Tammy:

Tammy Vincent, a survivor and thriver, has transformed her life from the challenges of being an adult child of two alcoholic parents. With a Masters in Education and addiction and recovery certifications, shes a beacon of hope for others on their paths to transformation.

As a devoted mother of three grown children and a loving wife, Tammy's personal journey of healing and empowerment has led her to become a certified life coach and NLP practitioner. Her dedication to growth has been illuminated through her best-selling books, two powerful volumes that offer insights, guidance and inspiration to those seeking their own paths to healing.

Tammy’s mission is clear; to guide others out of the darkness and into becoming the best versions of themselves. Her journey, from survivor to certified life coach, NLP practitioner, speaker and author, exemplifies the incredible strength of the human spirit and the possibility of rewriting our stories from a place of empowerment and healing.