34. Will Smith Oscar Slap/Assault - I can't look at him anymore

Sneeze! with James Whittingham

James was triggered by the slap heard around the world at the Oscars. Plus James answers questions until you get to know him. I'm on youtube and twitter.

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All links James: https://linktr.ee/whittingham

Twitter: @jewhittingham and @sneezeshow

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Transcript of this episode:

Sneeze with James Whittingham.

Well, hello.

It's me.

It's James.

And we're going to have a little talk again this week, aren't we? Another little talk, you and I conversing, except you're not going to say a fucking thing or I'll slap your ass.

I'm really upset by the Oscars and I'm a little embarrassed by it because I don't know why I'm upset.

I mean, it's not like I shouldn't be upset.

I see lots of other comedians are particularly sensitive to the idea of violence against comedy.

I don't know why.

It's in my psyche somewhere.

Maybe it's happened to me before.

The fear has always been there.

Or maybe I was just beaten to a pulp as a kid.

One can't necessarily remember, but it bothered me.

Well, I'm in Canada where you fight in hockey and it's considered the best part of the game.

I hate fighting in hockey.

I'm not a hockey fan per se.

It used to be when I was a kid, but never been to a hockey game until I was.

And then I saw a fight and I thought, that's barbaric.

What the fuck are they doing? This is acceptable in our society.

I didn't have kids at the time.

I was just about to have kids and I thought, I'm not taking my kids to a hockey game.

So I didn't until they were old enough to understand.

Not that I understand.

It was just totally fucked up.

The Oscars, everybody hates watches the Oscars, but they watch it.

Everybody's watching it.

I don't hate to watch them.

I love the Oscars.

I've always loved the Oscars.

I've loved the movies that the Oscars celebrate, almost always.

I love them.

I'm not a film stock up nerd.

I like those movies.

That is fair to say also that I don't like superhero movies that much.

I don't get as much out of them as I do, say, an Oscar nominated best picture, but that's just me.

Maybe I didn't read enough comic books as a kid because I was illiterate.

So blame it on my stupidity for not getting more into comic book films and superheroes.

I do watch them.

I do enjoy them, but I don't enjoy them as much as I should.

I just don't get that excited about them.

So when that slap thing happened, I knew right away it was real.

I didn't know it was real until he threw his fist across his face and assaulted Chris Rock, but I didn't have to wait for him to sit down and start shouting obscenities and see the look on his face, which he could not fake.

Will Smith, capable actor, could not pull shit like that off.

Chris Rock, capable actor.

I know that reaction.

I know it.

It was real and it was just so sour to see the Oscars soured like that, just chat upon after my whole life and another life before mine of dignity and celebration, of the art form that I studied in university that I fell in love with when I was a child, going to the theater every week, and I respected.

I just watched fucking Will Smith smoothie.

Now I don't want to look him in the face.

Now I'm triggered to see his fucking face.

I cannot even see him and not feel bad.

I just watched him at king Richard, which I thought he was pretty good, but not best picture, not best actor good.

I saw some inconsistencies.

pulled back the understanding of it.

He also reminded me of my brother Bill, the character he played, which I thought was a positive in the portrayal of him.

Anyway I can't get over.

It's like the world changed.

It's like September 11.

It's like trump being elected president, and then the Oscar slap.

That's how I feel about it.

For me, my world has changed.

The Oscars will never be a safe place.

The Oscars will never be guaranteed.

I mean the fuck up at the end of the Oscars a couple of years ago with the reading of the wrong name, that was pretty legit.

The world is falling apart, people.

Okay? It's falling apart.

I went and bought an air freshener at the dollar tree dollar 25.

Searched through them all, found a red one, because I like red, and it was a berry scent.

It was one of them.

We recently had one in our tiny bathroom.

They call it real estate agents.

They call it a powder room.

So it's just a turlot and a sink, and that's a small room, so you should be able to smell it, and I can't.

And no, I don't have covet.

I have been checked for covet, and I smell everything else.

I smell myself smelling myself right now.

But I'm telling you that this thing, this air freshener, this wax cone that imitates the glade air fresheners has, no offense, no scent whatsoever.

I put it right up to my nose.

It is a piece of colored wax that has no scent.

It does not absorb scent, and it's supposed to emit scent, a pleasant, bury scent, and it is nothing.

The world has gone to shit.

When you can't get an air freshener for your shitter that smells like anything, even if it smells like a bad invitation to berry, we'd be ahead of where we are now.

But no, the world has gone to absolute motherfucking shit.

People are assaulting people at the Oscars, and they're not getting hauled away, and then they're getting applauded when they win the o.

What the fuck is wrong with this goddamn world? What is it? If the covet factor wasn't bad enough, then don't blame the shit on COVID, and don't blame it on mental illness, because there's been no talk of mental illness yet.

He certainly seemed to completely lose his shit.

And the fact that he had his publicist come on at every commercial break at three commercial breaks before his award or whatever to find that perfect tone to hit leads me to believe that he and then dancing with a fucking Oscar at a party afterwards like nothing had happened.

No.

You bishlap Chris Rock at the Oscars, you go home and you're a mouse.

Nobody knows you exist.

You hide, okay? Air fresheners don't stink.

Oscars.

I don't know, man.

It's just I've got a sick admission for you.

I've got a very sick admission for you.

It's not sexual.

It's how the war in Ukraine has made me feel normal.

This is normal.

War somewhere far away is normal.

It's what I grew up with.

There's always somebody invading.

As much as I am completely distressed by that, I am as much as anyone.

And it's just I can't even I've got to take a break from the television set because I am just full of empathy for the Ukrainians.

But at the same time, somehow it feels normal.

As bad as it is, if you can count on bad things that you are used to that it's.

Somehow the world is what it's supposed to be, and it's a lot scarier where the world is not supposed to be what it is now.

Tell that to Ukrainians who were living their life just fine until this shit happened for no good reason.

All right, the computer is asking me I'm being asked what is my favorite candy? Good question.

Thank you for the question.

Let's see here.

My favorite candy is anything that tastes like the fruity flavors of red orange and that's it.

Red orange.

If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be? I'd be a horny banana.

Because essentially what I've always been is a horny banana.

Yeah.

A little bit brown, a little bit a few places around bruises.

The peel starting to come off a little bit.

Something like that.

And as I get older, the band and I had to get softer and less fresh.

It's beyond ripe now.

It's now moving into the not so ripe section.

Madonna.

If she didn't take it already.

I would change it to Madonna something with Zack Powers or something stronger and less British.

What are you interested in that most people haven't heard of? Staying with sex.

I'm kidding.

I'm not going to talk about sex.

I would say, yeah, okay, here's something.

I'm interested in aviation.

I'm interested in air traffic control.

Sometimes I go down a rabbit hole of air traffic control on YouTube and I listen to when planes get into stress.

It's like reality television for me, except this is actual reality reality television.

Of course, as you know, if you were smart it's so fucking fake.

I have smart people in the TV industry who watch reality television.

I think I can watch 5 seconds before I think, fake, fake, fake.

That's fake.

Obviously coached.

I mean, it's so obvious to me.

And yet these people watch it.

Now, I can suspend my disbelief for a lot of things.

I'll watch mostly movies sometimes and get into it.

But ultimately reality television.

I know how they do it.

It's obvious stuff.

And you create drama and conflict where there isn't any.

So you take that away and you take the music away and you've got kindergarten at best.

Somebody fighting over a banana.

The last book you gave up and stopped reading? The phone book.

What's your worst habit? Overeating.

What's one of your favorite smells? Overeating and digestion 8 hours later.

What's your earliest memory? Interesting.

My earliest memory is going downtown with my mother and going to some sort of restaurant, some sort of open space restaurant and having a pure orange drink and a glass.

And I remember just being fixated on how orange the glass was filled with orange drink, orange juice.

It was an orange pop of some sort.

And that's my earliest memory for some reason.

Of course it's food related.

It's my fucking obese.

You've lost all of your possessions but one.

What would you want it to be? Oh, shit.

I'm going to have to save my computer because I create with my computer.

I don't know.

That's a tough one.

What's something you wish you'd figured out sooner? Women.

Can't say I fully figured them out, but I know how they operate now.

I know how they go.

I know what the deal is.

I wish I figured that out in high school or maybe even earlier.

And by the way, it's pretty easy.

What was your favorite teacher and why? Who was your favorite teacher? I didn't have any.

My kindergarten teachers.

The last teacher gave me any respect, they cast me a little Red Riding Hood as a wolf.

I don't really remember, but I'm pretty sure I sparkled.

What is one of the greatest value that guides you in your life? Don't harm others in your group of friends.

What role do you play? Beastmaster.

What's your worst habit? Frequent masturbation.

Pizza or tacos? Pizza.

But tacos second or third? What is something you could never seem to finish? Career success.

What's on your bucket list this year? Career success.

Who inspires you to be better? Everyone with career success.

Have you ever saved someone's life? Not that I know of.

But I am pretty good at swerving and avoiding accidents sometimes and there's been a few people I've had the question whether they would have survived it or not.

What's something you learned in the last week? That the gummies I bought aren't in fact CBD only.

What issue will you always speak out about your mind? That's racism and sexism.

What's the story behind one of your scars? Got a little round scar on my right wrist.

Yeah, you can barely see it now.

It's on my right wrist.

I was put on a horse when I was three years old at Buffalo Days festivities in the city of Regina where I lived.

And I didn't want to get on a horse.

I was scared and I got off and my dad was a smoker and the cigarette went right into my hand and gave me a scar.

I don't remember him being too upset about it.

I don't remember me being upset about it.

But I never don't want you to get on the damn horse.

It's not one of those scars that gets you chicks either.

It's a conversation piece, but it's not really.

Nobody likes to see their dad score their child.

What's the best thing you got from one of your parents? My dad was a decent man.

My mother was not.

I got decency from my dad.

What is one of your favorite smells? I'm a french fries.

The grease in a restaurant, baking bread.

Anything chocolate.

What would you do on a free afternoon in the middle of the week? I would podcast.

What's one of your favorite comfort foods? Chips and dip.

It is my Kryptonite.

And if chips and dip didn't exist and we went back in time and somebody uninvented chips and dip if you were looking at me now, I would drop to half the size I am and also probably have long flowing hair.

What is an incredibly strong opinion you have that is completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things? I guess the fact that I live among rednecks, that it's a very rednecky place I live.

It really doesn't matter, you know.

Rednecks are everywhere.

What languages do you speak? A good question.

None.

Do you have any nicknames? Now, when I was a kid I was called Jamie by my parents and everyone called me Jamie.

And then the bionic woman came out and people were calling me Jamie Summers Haha.

You're Jamie Summers Haha.

Grade three.

And then I saw James Bond movie and I realized I went to St.

James church and I realized that by Bruce is James, so I changed it to James.

So if you call me Jim or Jimmy, it means nothing to me.

You know what I mean? You might as well call me Harry or Frank.

This is a completely different name.

However, my friends call me Jim or Jimmy as a ironic nickname.

I've been totally wrong.

I'm not making that up.

Jay said it, in case you're asking.

Yeah, it feels perfectly natural.

Feels like a nickname.

An enduring nickname.

Terminal of endurance.

Would you rather be stuck on a broken ski lift or a broken elevator? It depends.

If I was by myself if I was by myself, I could piss off the ski.

I worry about my bladder.

But you could die in an elevator.

Somebody could shit on the floor.

I don't know.

Ski lift seems better.

Fresh air.

They'd come get you faster.

You could see them coming to get you too.

What democracy are you most proud of? Getting second place in wrestling and grade eight.

In my weight division out of two people.

The fact that I participated, I was terrified to take off my shirt and then finally did.

And it got dropped in my head almost immediately by someone twice my size because it was everyone over x number of pounds, and that guy was a lot over x number of pounds.

I was a little bit over x number of pounds and he dropped me on my head.

But I freaking feel great about it.

I got my number two ribbon.

I still have it maybe somewhere today.

All it says is number two.

Do you ever sing when you're alone? Yes.

Christmas songs in the shower.

What talent would you show off at a talent show? That's tough because I don't do stand up comedy.

Boy, I could dribble a basketball six times.

I don't know.

What's one place you've traveled that you never want to go back to? Wyoming.

Fuck you, wyoming.

We hit a deer in Wyoming.

I didn't like Wyoming before we hit the deer.

There's a lot of deer in Wyoming.

And we hit one of them.

And then we had to deal with the local sheriff, who was just what you would expect in the middle of nowhere.

We had to call 911 twice in order to do that's what they told us to do in order to get the police.

You have to call 911 for anything.

So they transferred me to another 911 service and I had to say what my emergency was twice.

And it wasn't an emergency.

I don't know, I felt like I had to put on a podcast with the thoughts of my day, and I did.

And I've got a good mind just to scrap this recording and put it away, but I'm not going to because I care about you.

I know if you're still listening, that you're really into the stupid things I'm saying.

So good for you.

So I'll be back.

And one of these days I got to put some fucking effort into the show, some real strong effort.

I just haven't figured out what that was.

The pandemic threw me through for a loop.

I'm just struggling to find the joy in a comedy podcast for now, but I'll be back.

I'll be there.

See you soon.

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