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Data-powered Innovation Jam
1 The red and blue pills of Virtual Twins 40:51
40:51
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40:51Knock, knock, Neo. Think Agents are a thing of the future? Look again at the iconic movie, The Matrix—they've been hiding in plain sight. In the first episode of 2025, hosts Ron Tolido, Weiwei Feng, and Robert Engels venture down the digital rabbit hole of Virtual Twins with Morgan Zimmerman, CEO of NETVIBES at Dassault Systèmes. It’s a fascinating world where physical science meets data science, a world of both red and blue pills. Virtual Twins take the concept of Digital Twins to the next level, transforming static representations of products, devices, and systems into living, breathing "Dream Theaters" of simulations, predictions, and what-if scenarios. Fueled by AI and immersive technology, they don’t just capture life—they reimagine it. But what happens when Virtual Twins evolve to encompass entire organizations and industries? Imagine bending not just spoons, but entire realities. The Matrix has you—are you ready to see how deep the twin-powered innovation goes? You're in The Matrix ! Tune into our latest Data-powered Innovation Jam podcast episode now! Timestamps: 00:35 – Ron and Robert dive into the iconic world of The Matrix , drawing parallels to digital innovation. 04:55 – Morgan shares insights into Dassault Systèmes' legacy and the evolution of Virtual Twins. 10:00 – Exploring the connection between ontologies and their applications in the real world. 20:03 – How Digital Twins, Virtual Twins, and the Metaverse are transforming real-world use cases. 36:15 – Redefining interaction with the digital world in ways that feel natural yet futuristic. Connect with our guest Morgan Zimmermann and our hosts Ron Tolido , Robert Engels , and Weiwei Feng on LinkedIn.…
Off-Planet transmission 002: ablutions_transit_neophytes
Manage episode 350489742 series 124487
Content provided by The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts and Twin Wood Sounds. All podcast content including episodes, graphics, and podcast descriptions are uploaded and provided directly by The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts and Twin Wood Sounds or their podcast platform partner. If you believe someone is using your copyrighted work without your permission, you can follow the process outlined here https://ro.player.fm/legal.
002: ablutions_transit_neophytes The second meeting between our subjects was held slightly later than scheduled due to circumstances beyond the Custodian’s control, he has assured me that future sessions will not be as intermittent. An undercurrent of uncleanliness flowed stubbornly beneath the conversation, alike a waste pipe constricted by human effluence. A regular occurrence at this point in the trial as participant’s minds wander, thoughts turning to previously implausible proposals presented before them. I recommend C.A.W. is instructed to carry out a deep cleanse of both occupant’s exteriors and interiors. There was further indication that A yearns to vacate their transitory domicile: I would like to analyse client interactions more closely to discover why he finds B so repellent. Reports of an extraterrestrial being in the lower decks should be addressed immediately: any alien life-forms present on board will seriously impede the progress of our study and could force yet another pod purge. There is new evidence of an emerging belief system based on their current source of entertainment. Should this be allowed to escalate we may witness the inception of the first religion outside of a habitable planet. Nostalgia permeated the encounter: A and B talked about former professions, vacations, first-times, and acquired skills they would both prefer not to relearn. The irony that they are unconsciously enduring a notoriously vigorous course of rehabilitation is not lost on me. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Adrift by Trap.Sin.Delete
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123 episoade
Manage episode 350489742 series 124487
Content provided by The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts and Twin Wood Sounds. All podcast content including episodes, graphics, and podcast descriptions are uploaded and provided directly by The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts and Twin Wood Sounds or their podcast platform partner. If you believe someone is using your copyrighted work without your permission, you can follow the process outlined here https://ro.player.fm/legal.
002: ablutions_transit_neophytes The second meeting between our subjects was held slightly later than scheduled due to circumstances beyond the Custodian’s control, he has assured me that future sessions will not be as intermittent. An undercurrent of uncleanliness flowed stubbornly beneath the conversation, alike a waste pipe constricted by human effluence. A regular occurrence at this point in the trial as participant’s minds wander, thoughts turning to previously implausible proposals presented before them. I recommend C.A.W. is instructed to carry out a deep cleanse of both occupant’s exteriors and interiors. There was further indication that A yearns to vacate their transitory domicile: I would like to analyse client interactions more closely to discover why he finds B so repellent. Reports of an extraterrestrial being in the lower decks should be addressed immediately: any alien life-forms present on board will seriously impede the progress of our study and could force yet another pod purge. There is new evidence of an emerging belief system based on their current source of entertainment. Should this be allowed to escalate we may witness the inception of the first religion outside of a habitable planet. Nostalgia permeated the encounter: A and B talked about former professions, vacations, first-times, and acquired skills they would both prefer not to relearn. The irony that they are unconsciously enduring a notoriously vigorous course of rehabilitation is not lost on me. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Adrift by Trap.Sin.Delete
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123 episoade
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Off-Planet transmission 014: beards_records_superstition 44:13
44:13
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44:13Off-Planet transmission 014: beards_records_superstition 014: beards_records_superstition Subject A has experienced a period of boredom, forcing him to seek new ways of occupying himself in the pod. To maintain our mandate, we have not provided any additional forms of entertainment, which appears to have inspired his creative side. We have witnessed examples of vanity many times during our multiple trials, the current detainees experimenting with different styles of facial hair is yet another. Some of the designs represent major historical and political significance, but no matter the esteem or stigma they held, all were ultimately regrettable. They moved on to discuss world records, specifically the bizarre challenges humans set for themselves that were recognised by an organisation named ‘Guinness’. Apparently they also produced a delicious alcoholic beverage, perhaps we could synthesise and sample it at our next team building day? These record attempts help illustrate the reckless and wasteful nature of their species: carrying out absurd activities that push the limits of human endurance and decency, often resulting in serious injury and death, or even worse, irredeemable embarrassment. A thoughtful conversation around superstitions followed, probing the origins and cultural significance of assigning intention to coincidence. They study superstitious behaviour in sport, religion and tradition, then theorise about causes including mental illness, social bias and environmental stimulants. This phenomenon is not something our kind have suffered from: the concept of not having complete and utter control over our destiny is entirely alien to us, the illogical notion of any external influence deciding our fate could cause the majority of our population to simply cease operating entirely. Subject B revealed they have been carrying out some research into the demise of humankind, in particular the specific point in their timeline that we now recognise to be their civilisations’ death throes. It would be prudent to observe this investigation to see if they draw the same conclusion as we have, and if they identify how those mistakes could have been avoided. Until this moment I hadn’t considered either of them to be candidates for establishing the first society in our ‘Earth Two’ program, but suddenly I am intrigued to discover what their hybrid spawn could achieve. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Branched by rwlr…
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1 Off-Planet transmission 013: reeducation_beaches_antagonists 40:00
40:00
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40:00013: reeducation_beaches_antagonists It’s the end of term for one of our cadets, and we hear him disclose first-hand experience of our reeducation program to his compatriot: it was intriguing to witness a disarmed and honest assessment of our methods from one of the courses most mediocre students. We commenced with subject B as he has proven to be the most easily influenced, mainly due to his unusually malleable cognitive structure. The real test will come when we begin the same process with his associate, who presents more stubborn and immovable tendencies. I pray we won’t need to employ the Masters of Torment to encourage his cooperation, historically their loss rate is disturbingly high. The first topic of the day is beaches, and their correlation to the amount of stars in the known universe. Or more accurately, their known universe: while humanity’s scientists mapped and predicted a respectable portion of the void, they imparted a largely degraded knowledge of spacetime upon our patients. The participants comment on types of beaches, the natural processes that create them, and the various materials they are constituted from. The beaches on the planet we currently call home are supplemented with the ground bones of our latest enemies, due to it being the ideal exfoliant for our movement membranes. I believe the inspiration for the second subject they discussed was drawn from their first encounter with our species: which popular movie franchise killer would they choose to attempt to survive against for the duration of one Earth day? This quickly goes awry as they both attempt to find loopholes in the quiz, with claims they could actually become the aggressor in this inevitably fatal scenario. Once again they both demonstrate their rebellious nature, something our rehabilitation process has thus far failed to quash. One of the pair raises a popular conspiracy theory regarding humanity’s first mission to land on the Moon, the nearest natural satellite to Earth. If only they were aware of how integral the organic material their astronauts left behind was to us locating their planet, they wouldn’t question the legitimacy of mankind’s greatest achievement. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Broken Booster by rwlr…
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1 Off-Planet transmission 012: identity_unicorns_stingers 46:08
46:08
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46:08012: identity_unicorns_stingers Subject B skipped the pleasantries at the start of todays meeting, opting instead to interrogate his counterpart on their knowledge of antique-based reality television. His intention behind the line of questioning was not to explore the worth of humanitys lost or forgotten junk, rather to identify the masks they surreptitiously wore whilst desperately attempting to blend in to or stand out from a crowd. The desire for individualism appears to have been endemic in human society, a desperation to avoid anonymity was ingrained in the fibre of their being. The irony of course, is that those who traditionally stood out least have ultimately become the most unique. They quickly move on to talk of mythical beasts and creatures of legend, those born only in the imagination of storytellers. Principally they discussed the unicorn: a powerful, single-horned equid of indeterminate loyalty. If I were human I would finish this description with the punchline, ‘but enough about my mother-in-law!’. However, I am not, so I shan’t. Which brings us nicely to the final topic for today: aging comedy tropes and sitcom stingers. Both topics are incredibly triggering for our participants, eliciting visceral reactions and candid takes on outdated humour, canned laughter, and stand-up comics. During the conversation, our passengers inadvertently gave further insight into the final days of their home world. With every meeting we are getting closer to uncovering the truth behind the fate of Earth, and the part they played in it. A throwaway comment from one of the candidates inspired a potential solution to our current fiscal challenges: distribute the recorded sessions in the form of a monetised ‘podcast’ and use the proceeds to help fund the project. Personally, I find the concept of listening to faceless voices prattling aimlessly for hours-on-end torturous, but these asinine ramblings are readymade for this bizarrely popular audio medium. And let’s be frank, if we want to be serious about continuing to finance this endeavour we simply must diversify. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Crystal Clouds by rwlr…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Off-Planet transmission 011: condiments_apidae_disasters 31:27
31:27
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31:27011: condiments_apidae_disasters Life in the pod appears to have become too bland for subject B: he bemoans the lack of flavour in their rations and so, in an effort to fool his tastebuds, sparks a conversation with his compatriot about condiments. In a further attempt to inject some spice into their existence, subject A suggests they seek stimulation by landing on the nearest planet. While highly irregular, I would gladly chaperone and observe this excursion, if only to study first-hand how their bodies react to an alien atmosphere. Talk of animals yet again dominated the session, this time a rather crude fact detailing the results of bee intercourse took centre stage. Once their obsession with insect genetalia subsided, they pondered the ingestion of animal by-products: an ethical dilemma faced by vegans every day on their home planet. The concept of attaching guilt to a food source feels entirely foreign to me: when you are capable of devouring an entire species as an appetiser, you rarely reserve time to consider the impact on ecosystems. The focus of their conversation then switched to natural disasters. I understand Earth was rather susceptible to these catastrophic events, causing untold destruction and sorrow. Humans failed to master the elements and live in harmony with the climate as we have, their reluctance to embrace a nomadic existence also resulted in more costly infrastructure damage. Our ancestors learned to adapt to a planets violent and dynamic environment aeons ago, accepting that we are merely passengers; theirs refused to allow nature dictate where they could settle, demonstrating an admirable arrogance when facing annihilation. I have grown rather fond of both inhabitants over my time spent analysing them, I’m starting to think our initial intel on their true nature isn’t entirely accurate. They may even be tame enough to keep as domesticated companions, once they are fully house-trained. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Interior Applause - What Is A Life? by Jack Lancaster and Trap.Sin.Delete…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Off-Planet transmission 010: halitosis_property_melodramas 36:45
36:45
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36:45010: halitosis_property_melodramas My suspicion of ongoing deception by our specimens was confirmed during today’s meeting: affecting accents and masking personalities are clear signs of espionage, what they stand to gain from spying on us I am yet to uncover. I shan’t expose their secret until I understand more about their individual skillsets. An Observer has never before succeeded in convincing an agent of Earth to defect, I am certain I will be the first. Subject B posed an interesting quandary: if you could taste only one flavour for the entirety of your existence, which would you choose? Inexplicably, this conversation spawned the concept for a comedy series starring an unlikely named lead with an oral hygiene issue. They speak with a mocking tone as though the show is parody, however, having spent many lightyears studying humanity’s definition of humour, I’m convinced this production would be an improvement on most of Earths sitcoms. The initial part of the session focussed on lost property, specifically items found on a public transport system in one of their worlds thriving metropolises. Both clients suppressed emotional reactions as they discussed their own misplaced belongings: desperate situations will often cause a human to reassess past behaviour and regret missed opportunities, it is clear to me that what they rue losing most is not material, rather the moments they’ve lost to time. The topic of soap operas united our duo in disgust, displaying particular repulsion for the style of acting employed by the stars. Scripted scenarios being at the forefront of their mind could be due to a developing awareness of the growing audience they entertain and educate with every passing session. Navigation Control have just informed me that an unexpected alteration to the pods trajectory has put it on a collision course with an uncharted toxic debris field, they forecast an 18% chance of both passengers surviving. I have therefore initiated the Deep Sleep protocol for an indefinite period. We must demonstrate extreme caution when we eventually revive them: due to the unprecedented levels of potential radiation exposure, my biggest concern isn’t who may make it through the gauntlet alive, but what. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Interior Applause - My Commode by Jack Lancaster…
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1 Off-Planet transmission 009: paracosms_cranchiidae_booze 32:47
32:47
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32:47009: paracosms_cranchiidae_booze In a vain attempt at shrouding his lacklustre approach to pod upkeep, subject A has manufactured an autonomous valet. In theory it should alleviate an already congested list of errands for B, but an unforeseen quirk of said servant could dash his hopes before any benefit is felt. As we know, this newly employed minion isn’t the only thing our passengers have fabricated while incarcerated: the entirely fictional reality they continue to expand and reside within is now at risk of collapse. I don’t believe we should try to prevent this implosion, it would be fascinating to witness their collective and sudden return to reality. An intriguing change to the order of questioner, the reasons for which should be analysed further to rule out subterfuge, sees our captives consider a fact about the colossal squid: a huge, unsightly creature who inhabited the deepest oceans of their home planet. A seemingly innocuous topic inspires a spiralling conversation around nightmares, Mediterranean delicacies, insects, a 20th century author and personified sporting goods. It is impossible not to be impressed by their ability to talk inanely for extended periods of time, far surpassing any of our previous detainees. They closed the meeting by reflecting on how the promotion and consumption of alcohol had fallen victim to fashion trends. It astonishes me how dependent their civilisations were on these substances; it appears to have been absolutely crucial to the functioning of society yet responsible for so much calamity and pain. My species are by no means beyond the influence of mind-altering substances, but our safe drug production and consumption facilities have thus far prevented the destabilisation of communities. An important note for future trials: human exposure to our recreational narcotics will result in organic disintegration, a discovery made recently to my chagrin. The closing rant from B criticising public subservience hit a little too close to home. I propose we move to quell any early suggestion of revolt by altering our isolation strategy, affording the duo less time to socialise should prevent anti-establishment movements from taking root. Should that fail, scheduled memory wipes will be introduced to help reassert the equilibrium of our study. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Interior Applause - My Hoody by Jack Lancaster…
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1 Off-Planet transmission 008: vacation_ophidianists_thiriokinesis 39:30
39:30
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39:30008: vacation_ophidianists_thiriokinesis It was both pleasing and concerning to discover that subject A has created a resort within the pod: pleasing as it will give the inhabitants somewhere to relax and reflect, concerning due to the resources exhausted during its manufacture, resulting in a negative impact on the craft’s stability. B appeared to be just as worried but was quickly distracted by the prospect of receiving some cheap booze, a traditional benefit of international travel back on their home world. This is not entirely dissimilar to our custom: any bodily excretions accumulated in flight suits during our sabbaticals are collected and gifted to those deemed worthy. I still have a quart of the fluid remaining from my last trip, I must remember to fetch it for these passengers to sample. They swiftly moved on to debate the controversial art of Snake Charming, an ancient illusionary act performed predominantly in the landmass they refer to as India. We learned of snakes from former pod custodians’ conversations, but they neglected to mention man sought to control them in such a sadistic fashion. Yet more evidence of humanity’s preference to dominate that which they were afraid of, rather than seeking to live harmoniously with it. The focus on animals continued in the second part of this session, as B presented an interesting hypothetical question: which of Earth’s vastly varied fauna would they each choose to act as their loyal defender, against attack by the rest of the planet’s creatures? They speak with a great sense of nostalgia for these beasts, perhaps we could use the DNA samples our team harvested from their world to resurrect the ones they chose, before unleashing them into the pod. I’m sure they would appreciate the opportunity for some untamed, organic interaction in such an intimate setting. Finally, I must request access to the original importation documents for our passengers to research two revelations: the suggestion by A that he has an affinity for seafaring, and B exhibiting signs of megalomania. Both are compelling traits that I’d hope would have been detailed upon receipt of the specimens, it would be unfortunate for a sample refund to be required at this crucial stage of the experiment. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Orbit by Martian Hertz…
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1 Off-Planet transmission 007: sanitation_execution_epitaphs 35:44
35:44
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35:44007: sanitation_execution_epitaphs Today’s meeting was a mostly morbid affair, despite a positive start that saw B boasting about the numerous chores he had completed. The act of spring cleaning can be seen as an expression of the desire to improve or change one’s surroundings, could they finally be settling in for the long haul? Conversely, A seems to be way behind on his duties. I foresee this causing animosity between the two inhabitants, as B adopts a more parental role that his shipmate is readily taking advantage of. B is also committing an excessive amount of time to his research in the Archives, while A is spending his free time playing a game of correspondence chess with an unknown soul. The barbaric act of execution dominated the first half of the meeting, a gory debate fought with moral code disclosing conclusions. Designing machines and methods of death is surely the most deplorable of humanity’s legacies, why couldn’t they just devour and recycle their sociopaths as we do? Triggered by a mysterious, targeted memo, they reflect further on their own mortality with a sombre discussion around how they would like to be memoralised. Their suggestions will be considered, then likely disregarded once we have determined their fate. Their plans to construct a ‘local pub’ in the pod intrigues me, I have heard many captivating tales about these social hubs. This project has my full support, I can’t imagine there will be any calamitous outcomes from such an innocent and well-meaning venture. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Tin Soldier Canister 5 by Jack Lancaster (Happy Birthday Music Box by Soundslikewillem, Party Background Chatter by Dbspin)…
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1 Off-Planet transmission 006: proctology_invertebrates_sensorium 40:57
40:57
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40:57006: proctology_invertebrates_sensorium Both were verging on hysteria for the duration of this session: subject A believes his co-habitants erratic behaviour is a reaction to a homemade narcotic, I suspect it is due to the oxygen rationing we have had no choice but to enforce. Their entertainment value rises dramatically when starved of the life-giving gas, it would certainly render my observations more bearable should the environmental control systems remain inoperative. Through his haphazard brandishing of an injured appendage, B inadvertently revealed A has a medical background: could we utilise his experience in battling this relentless Galactic Flu that has ravaged our community? Just to clarify, I am not volunteering my negotiation skills to the unenviable task of convincing Overlord to allow a human to consult with one of our own. The first discussion of the day developed from a fact about lobsters: a seabound creature of Earth that was craved by their elite. I have never understood the appeal of consuming damp, salty flesh, especially when they are void of bones. They also debated the least appealing animals their planet had to offer, ironically omitting their own species despite them invariably topping intergalactic polls on this topic. There were a few hypothetical questions posed during the meeting, the most probing being around a permanent mutation to their senses. Could this be a suggestion that they are seeking some kind of alternate reality, or do they wish to dull their exposure to certain stimuli in the pod? I found this conversation the most challenging thus far, simply because I cannot fathom what it must be like to manage with a fraction of the senses I rely upon. They also consider assembling a squad of superheroes with impractical powers: if I were to analyse this further it could mean that they are seeking some kind of saviour, someone to retrieve them from the deep, cold resseses of space and deliver them to sanctuary. Or it could have just been a fun bit of filler chat. Can anyone corroborate their reports of interstellar pirates stalking the pod? While it is difficult to argue that they aren’t the most fascinating individuals in the cosmos, I have no desire for a repeat of study #324 which, as I am sure you will recall, resulted in a light-yearlong search for the participants’ partially devoured remains. We simply don’t have the time nor resources to commit to another data recovery mission on that scale. Signed, An Observer Tin Soldier Canister 4 by Jack Lancaster (Hand-Crank Music Box Amazing Grace sample by M R McCormack)…
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1 Off-Planet transmission 005: anthropomorphism_ effervescence_dance 33:19
33:19
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33:19005: anthropomorphism_ effervescence_dance The tangible regret shown by subject A, following an evening of excess, invoked little sympathy from B for his self-inflicted ailment. They generally lack any real concern for the others well-being, seemingly oblivious to the impact being entirely alone would have on their psyche. Details of the previous nights entertainment suggests A has achieved a new level of lunacy: he has begun fabricating fictional friends. Playing pretend is a normal part of early cognitive development, but regression of this scale could suggest a desire for more tactile relationships. I daresay this is something B would be more than willing to provide. Thankfully the inane chatter returned before they probed the matter further, shifting to an uninteresting debate around drink carbonation. The tone of the conversation inevitably collapsed as they moved on to tales of flatulence: an unsavoury chat that unveiled underlying insecurities that A has, thus far, kept hidden. B displayed no empathy, but perhaps he was merely bitter about the derision he’d suffered for an earlier miscalculation. I was genuinely captivated by their concluding discussion around dancing. I have always envied this species ability to move so freely in physical space, but their suggestion that this expression can be both voluntary and involuntary is fascinating to me. Perchance, once our subjects cycles are complete, I would be permitted the opportunity to temporarily inhabit their husks. I’d really like to take them for a spin. Their discovery of a, previously assumed decommissioned, communication device in the pod shouldn’t be ignored. I would appreciate guidance on which protocol to enforce: should they be allowed to reach out into the void to give them some semblance of hope, or must we shatter their futile fantasies and confirm that they truly are alone? Signed, An Observer Intermission: Tin Soldier Canister 3 by Jack Lancaster…
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1 Off-Planet transmission 004: meterology_obsequies_pioneers 34:20
34:20
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34:20004: meteorology_obsequies_pioneers The usual combative nature of previous sessions was absent today, our subjects were instead unified in annoyance by a common foe: it transpires that the unwelcome guest we initially viewed as a threat and sought to exterminate, has proven itself to be an impactful uncontrolled variable. I suggest we allow this relationship to organically develop for now, I’ll decide its fate at a later date. Further to this: is the weather system they claim their unofficial crewmate has generated genuine, or is it merely a manifestation of their craving for contrasting climes? B attempted to gamify the meeting with an ad-hoc quiz before recalling past soirees: we are wading deep in nostalgic waters now, both parties pining for less tumultuous times. The ratio of true to false memories isn’t overly troubling at this stage, lets monitor with reservation to expedite the Memory Augmentation process where required. The extended discussion around how they dispose of their fallen was fascinating, while the cannibalistic undertones were certainly unexpected. Our inhabitants chose to close the session by fantasising about the colonisation of another world, displaying the typically entitled arrogance mankind has used to excuse the abuse suffered by planets under their custodianship. The persistent disregard for their destructive behaviour makes me doubt our long-term relocation strategy, and if the preservation of their species truly is as essential as we’ve been led to believe. It would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the impressive amount of work they have put into developing the pod, how they were able to achieve expansion to this extent is beyond me. It will be interesting to see if their precarious craftsmanship can withstand the oppressive external forces, as it certainly appears their minds are beginning to buckle under the internal pressure. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Seed by Fogg & Lamb…
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1 Off-Planet transmission 003: aristocracy_opiates_cosplay 29:13
29:13
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29:13003: aristocracy_opiates_cosplay The third session commenced in open conflict, with B accusing A of larceny. The heated exchange substantiates my hypothesis that our ability to subtly manipulate time and space, and the objects within it, intensifies the volatility of their domicile. Historically, chaotic atmospheres yield rich seams to mine for emotional response data. B displayed further delusional behaviour, this time convincing himself he was a 19th century physician. A encouraged this for his own amusement. The hallucination initiated a confab around snake oil remedies, I can only pray they won’t be tempted to create their own onboard given the limited selection of ingredients. Talk of artificially intelligent overlords concerns me: was this merely a coincidence or are they becoming more resistant to reality suppressants? Dictating their own social standing in such a remote and desolate region of space is unprecedented, how can they be so fearful of lacking individuality and status despite being in such a unique and enviable position? A’s preference for the lower decks is worrisome, what exactly is he getting up to beyond the periphery of our surveillance systems? Their reminiscence about 20th century automobiles inspired my proposal for next quarter’s Activity Day: perhaps we could allow them to pilot the pod, under strict supervision of course. It should give them some much needed perspective and discipline, and I am fairly confident their motor skill reconstruction has progressed to a level that will meet minimum safety guidelines. Triggered by a question about cosplaying, they delved deep into the topics of caricatures and impressionists. Feelings of a change to or loss of identity are common for those who have been isolated for so long: ordinarily subjects will either endure and return to relative normality, or a complete fracture of the mind will occur. I will monitor this with interest. The stowaway lifeform is now reproducing. If C.A.W is once again unsuccessful on its next seek and destroy mission, I will have no choice but to venture into the dank depths to deal with it myself. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Tin Soldier Canister 2 by Jack Lancaster…
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1 Off-Planet transmission 002: ablutions_transit_neophytes 37:11
37:11
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37:11002: ablutions_transit_neophytes The second meeting between our subjects was held slightly later than scheduled due to circumstances beyond the Custodian’s control, he has assured me that future sessions will not be as intermittent. An undercurrent of uncleanliness flowed stubbornly beneath the conversation, alike a waste pipe constricted by human effluence. A regular occurrence at this point in the trial as participant’s minds wander, thoughts turning to previously implausible proposals presented before them. I recommend C.A.W. is instructed to carry out a deep cleanse of both occupant’s exteriors and interiors. There was further indication that A yearns to vacate their transitory domicile: I would like to analyse client interactions more closely to discover why he finds B so repellent. Reports of an extraterrestrial being in the lower decks should be addressed immediately: any alien life-forms present on board will seriously impede the progress of our study and could force yet another pod purge. There is new evidence of an emerging belief system based on their current source of entertainment. Should this be allowed to escalate we may witness the inception of the first religion outside of a habitable planet. Nostalgia permeated the encounter: A and B talked about former professions, vacations, first-times, and acquired skills they would both prefer not to relearn. The irony that they are unconsciously enduring a notoriously vigorous course of rehabilitation is not lost on me. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Adrift by Trap.Sin.Delete…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Off-Planet transmission 001: rodents_emulsion_cetaceans 31:22
31:22
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31:22001: rodents_ emulsion _cetaceans Their first mandatory meeting was fraught with taboo topics, both parties were restless and disorientated: subject A delicately deliberated the legalities of animal ownership, while B fixated on faecal matter. Attempting to placate a visibly hyperactive B, A engaged in a spontaneous game of Charades. An insightful but meandering conversation transpired: the themes chosen from our predetermined pool exposing their desire for solitude, autonomy, and terra firma. I was perturbed to learn they are routinely consuming a unique variety of home-brew. While precautions have been taken to prevent the reoccurrence of corrupted data, A and B’s ingenuity reinforces my request to revaluate existing security protocols. One client displayed the unmistakable signs of early-onset ‘cosmic delirium’: I will monitor and, following a formal diagnosis, medicate as required. Towards the end of the allotted time, B attempted to alleviate the tension by sharing a joke seemingly written by a resident of their homeland. In response A expressed his desire to be allowed to go back to work, confirmation that the occupation simulation firmware has updated successfully. C.A.W. is fully operational and performing as intended. I recommend a minor dosage increase of previously prescribed barbiturates prior to reconvening for the next stage of the study. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Tin Soldier Canister 1 by Jack Lancaster…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 51: The Church of Skynet 1:41:13
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 51.5: Fate Makers 1:44:04
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 50: The Holiday Special part 1 ~ A Retrostential Crisis 1:34:42
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 50: The Holiday Special part 2 ~ Bumping the Lamp 2:13:47
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 50: The Holiday Special part 3 ~ Where Everybody Knows Your Game 2:12:36
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 49: Hallowe’en Special part 1 ~ Basement Blues 1:24:49
1:24:49
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1:24:49It’s Trick and/or treat time, darling Deadcrabs, as our fourth Hallowe’en special is broadcast directly from beyond the spectral plane; the tormented terrors continue their quest for eternal rest, hopeful their unfinished business shall be accomplished once this supernatural soiree concludes. Supplied with a variety of sweet treats to keep their spirits up, our shadowy shapeshifters start their stricken struggle by scrutinising ghost folklore: the signs and sightings, controversial methods of contact and conjuration, and the scepticism and scientific evidence that contradicts their existence; we witness the resurrection of a long deceased joke, give ourselves monstrous monikers and we learn the legend of Boiler Bill. We slay the initial lump of this lucid illusion with the fallout from the PAC-MAN 256 Community Challenge and a paralysingly painful Sensi Soaks update, but not before discussing the Crazy Frog, bread puns, flooded towns, school trips, future cars, horoscopes, and UFOs; we take a stab at an abominable Bushtucker Trial, debate whether we would prefer to be a ghost or bust them and we do our worst apparition imitations. Indian burial grounds include Ross being a gentleman, Simon coming back from the dead and Thom regretting his pseudonym.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 49: Hallowe’en Special part 2 ~ A Haunting in the North 1:03:06
1:03:06
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1:03:06Fingers on buzzers for the second section of this panicked prayer, as our boisterous bogeymen reside recumbently in the radiant torridity of Big Momma’s bosom while playing four ghoulishly gruelling retro games: Casper on the SNES, Porky Pig’s Haunted Holiday also on the SNES, Haunting on the Sega Mega Drive and Ghost House on the Sega Master System. Mesmerized by the ominous atmosphere of our arcane arcade, we deliberate over Seinfeld and South Park’s arrival on Netflix, A Boy and his Blob, Joker, Session, Apple Arcade, Terminator: Resistance, the PS5 reveal and the COD Modern Warfare Spec Ops controversy; we contemplate the return of movie franchise video games, debate the comparison of the MCU to theme parks and we receive a review live on air. Our apathetic phantoms exorcise this section with a topically creepy collaboration playlist, but preceding that we also discuss the TV Licence, Christina Ricci, Scrapheap Challenge, Augustus Gloop, Kia-Ora, Lisa Rogers, Great British Railway Journeys, leprechauns and 90s nostalgia; we conduct a séance using a family heirloom, discern architraves from balustrades and we unanimously agree on the worst cartoon character ever created. Bad man attacks include Simon turning off the internet, Thom being filled with spook and Ross having a sugar rush.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 49: Hallowe’en Special part 3 ~ The Curse of Lady Acorn 2:04:32
2:04:32
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2:04:32Boo! The closing slice of this year’s spectre spattered special features a fittingly frightening Inside Ross’ Mind, consisting of two abnormally nauseating queasy questions: what are the strangest phobias you know of and what would you forever banish to Room 101? While deciphering the Deadcrab’s feedback we discuss Greta Thunberg, Hershey’s chocolate, Jerry Springer, the iPhone 11 and Inspector Fogg’s latest production; we receive a mysterious VHS containing a seasonal literary quiz, bemoan poor public transport etiquette and we try to ascertain the original living form of one of Hollywood’s best-known ghosts. The raving revenants lay this eerie episode to rest by discussing at length any movies, TV shows and games that feature ghosts, including those that we would like to see or play based on synopses and taglines. It’s an exhausting exchange that naturally devolves into discussions about the Academy ratio, Fantômas, the Nobel Peace Prize, Pet Shop Boys, Japanese horror remakes and an E.T. joke; we analyse Nicolas Cage’s range, hint at the theme for next year’s Hallowe’en special and we receive a bit of a scare from one of our periodic anecdotists. Lute hallucinations include Thom’s evening ritual, Ross’ exotic Lair and Simon’s inked cubital fossa.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 48: A Quantum Frisk 2:40:55
2:40:55
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2:40:55As retrospective as the most vivid déjà vu, the volatile voyagers are back from the present to once again recognise two almost meaningless milestones: our 4th birthday, and 100th publication of our periodical podcast; what better way to recognise such a chronologically concentrated occasion, than basing the entire show on the theory of time travel? This is also our longest ever release, mainly due to an exceptionally extended news segment during which we cover Wreckfest, Eden Lake, Resident Evil: Project Resistance, Ghetto Golf, Blasphemous, Kevin Kline, Darksiders III, Mindhunter, SteamWorld Dig, Game On 2.0 revisited, FFVIII Remastered and FFVII Remake concerns, and Thom’s VR experience; we bemoan prolonged birthday celebrations, we ask for our plates back and Ross unleashes a surprise segment: The Six Strings that Cause Concern. The first part of this month’s perplexing paradox also contains the Community Challenge results, a Headcrab influenced Sensi Soaks update and the Gonarch’s Player featuring three topical games: Time Killers, Time Soldiers and Time Scanner. While playing we discuss dumbwaiters, Gazza, muscle memory, Charles Manson, the Daz ‘doorstep challenge’, Brundlefly, Tropic Thunder, dyslexia and dyspraxia, paper straws, both Brian Cox and Blessed, strongman events and we receive a proposal for our upcoming 50th episode; we divulge our favourite features of volcanoes, we trick our listeners with a puerile prank, and Thom sets himself a test of time travel. Time tunnels include Thom filling a flux capacitor and Ross’ flesh wound.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 48.5: The Treehouse of Time 1:50:13
1:50:13
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1:50:13Dare you join our decrepit teleporters as time stands still for the 101st part of this perpetual parade, and behold as we blabber almost exclusively about how time travel concepts are conveyed in TV shows, movies and video games; preceding that plentiful topic we step Inside Ross’ Mind to ask our Headcrabs where and when they would visit should they be able to make an observational trip anywhere in time and space, and what would be their method of transportation? While contemplating the inconsistencies of causality, the conversation converts to more innocuous subjects such as Scrooge 2, alien autopsies, unsolved murders and antivirus software; we receive an introspective message from the future, we reinvent the wheel, and we organically conceive next month’s Inside Ross’ Mind question. Before the episode draws to an open, we contemplate expensive cakes, Forever Friends, Philip K. Dick, holographic telephones, cock candles and extinct animals; we have some fun with multi-syllabic words, get steadily intoxicated, and we outline the plot for the Gonarch’s Lair Podcast video game. Future pies include Ross getting girls and Thom’s boombox.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 47: The Rise and Fall of Timcop the Shill 1:33:22
1:33:22
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1:33:22Join us lounging by our Xen Healing Pool and surrender to the temptation of a refreshing soak, dip your toes and trust the restorative waters to wash away those suspiciously sweaty summer exploits; then towel off alongside Tim, a first-timer on the show, who has agreed to feature in this month’s episode exclusively to prove his existence. Our hectic headliners commence the first part of this temporal trip by reading a message from one of our most respected raconteurs, before playing the two homework games set by Wayne back in episode 35: Hover Bovver on the Commodore 64 and Pitfall! on the Atari 2600. Before, after and during playtime we talk about Dr. Mario World, Super Metroid, The Evil Within 2, Resogun, Firewatch, What Remains of Edith Finch, and we declare the victor in the Red Fang: Headbang! Community Challenge; we have a three-way gift exchange, the Producer trials some of his observational comedy, and we attempt to assign a nickname to the Lair’s latest virginal visitor. During this obscure odyssey the tricky troika also discuss Love Island, Hartlepool legends, Diana Rigg, the FA Community Shield, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, One Day as a Lion, England starting XIs, and we have a relatively revelatory Sensi Soaks update; we acknowledge some popular cheese-laden snacks, Ross unleashes two surprisingly accurate impressions, and we plan a dirty weekend in Tallinn. Glory stories include Ross picking flowers, Tim being officially teased and Thom speaking off-the-cuff.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 47.5: A Diamond in the ROM 1:53:50
1:53:50
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1:53:50The possibilities are endless in the second part of this foreigner focussed foray, as Tim confronts the infamous interrogation faced by all past inmates of the Lair; the erudite detainee endures an oppressive onslaught of questioning unperturbed, deflecting verbal attacks with aplomb as the incompetent inquisitors insist on interpretations of their inane hypotheticals: his Desert Island games and video game persona choices, his character creation stat and the historical figures or celebrities he would play games with for a day, and which two retro games he feels inclined to inflict upon the next hapless hostage. While touring intrepidly through Tim’s entire history in gaming, the tiring ternion mention Alien Road, syntax errors, Goblin Mountain, Andy Carroll, X-Copy, American Fugitive, the Red Baron, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, and 8bit colour palettes; we reveal the answer to Wayne’s Buttkiss cliffhanger, discover our cowboy names, and we debate the viability of an unconventional treatment for STIs. This scholarly slog draws to a close with a privileged insight into the private thoughts of our most popular presenter, as we pilot a brand new segment of the show: Inside Ross’ Mind. While recounting submissions from our listeners for this month’s cognitive conundrum, we outline the promotional taglines, main attractions, and logistics of running such a contentious establishment as Ghost Zoo; Thom announces his school ground nickname, Tim finishes off his limerick, and a listener suggests some Chernobyl-esque dramatisations. Bovine buggery includes Thom’s cow-hands, Ross’ deepest ever eye-roll and Tim cooking coconuts.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 46.5: Oh, the Humanity! 2:29:24
2:29:24
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2:29:24In the second part of this inconsequential sequence, our lint lickers lumber to Lair 2.0 to play three arcade games for this month’s Gonarch’s Player: Trojan, Rod-Land, and Street Fighter: The Movie. While gaming we strive to stifle familiar frustrations by talking about Glastonbury, the Lambton Worm, WD40, The Addams Family, Dutch furniture moving solutions, Saint George, and visits to the tip; we receive a brainteaser from Inspector Fogg, list some famous rods, and we discuss the ideal formula for creating a box set. An appealing portion of the episode follows the previous pandemonium, as the privileged pair spout perpetually about some recent TV shows they have been obsessed with: Chernobyl, Black Mirror, Game of Thrones, Stranger Things 3, and Good Omens; we read out our Headcrab’s answers to a future tech question, discuss the mind-boggling budgets and attraction for actors to TV streaming services, and the Producer tries out some of his insufferable stand-up material. Reasons to be cheerful include Thom tasting metal and Ross being released from his shackles.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 46: The Golden Piñata 1:42:33
1:42:33
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1:42:33Dry your eyes darling Headcrabs, for our venerable vagrants have returned from their summer recess to take up residence in the all-new Lair 4.0; by delivering a dose of revitalised vigor, they aspire to redeem this atrophying podcast. We kick off an essentially themeless episode with a belated and brief E3 chat, covering their handpicked highlights: Xbox Scarlett, Watch Dogs: Legion, Gods & Monsters, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild 2, The Outer Worlds, Hollow Knight: Silksong, Control, Elden Ring, and the breathtaking Cyberpunk 2077 revelations; they welcome the Fellowship’s newest Headcrab to the world, make at least 2 American football references, and Thom recounts the grotesque indulgences of The Gallery at Odeon Cinemas. The buttery buds also talk about Sonic Mania, Guacamelee, Predator: Hunting Grounds, Inside, Undertale, Hunt: Showdown, Tetris Royale, Wreckfest, Harry Potter: Wizards Unite, Dune II, and the recently announced Nintendo Switch Lite; we of course reveal the winner of the Alien vs. Pinball Community Challenge, there’s a Sensi Soaks segment that is inundated with innuendo, and Ross drops a huge bombshell while explaining his Rocksmith challenge. Blistery bops include Ross upstrumming and Thom becoming decadent.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 45.5: Team Hicks 2:18:31
2:18:31
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2:18:31In the 45th and a half part of the podcast that comes mostly once a month, mostly, our sufferers of space madness set out on an elongated lark through the multimedia associated with Aliens not aliens; the extraterrestrial extroverts expatiate extensively by examining all of the games associated with the Alien franchise, the cartoons and toy lines, and the feature-length movies including the 6 fan-made shorts that were released to mark such a momentous milestone. During this tolerance test our xenophobic Xenomorphs mention NERD Fright Fest, Goldeneye, Detective Pikachu, Conan Exiles, H.R. Giger, Mighty Max and Polly Pocket, Ridley Scott and James Cameron, Predator vision, Peter Mayhew, Dark Horse Comics, and we receive a message from The Gaming Times; we pilot a revamped Correspondence segment, propose our Alien game concept, and we debate the unethical techniques movie directors employ that allow them to capture the genuine terror of actors. Before slipping back into their cryostasis chambers until July, the Camberwell Carrots talk about Korn, jackfruit and seitan, Conan O’Brien, TCP, Lana Del Ray, carveries, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Xen politics, Winona Ryder, and we analyse the alternate Alien 3 script; we provide our ideas for Xenomorph variants, inaugurate a new member into the Fellowship, and we close the show with an appropriately themed Ross’ Playlist. Substandard anecdotes include Thom steering a stricken ship, Simon double concentrating and Ross being allergic to Pokémon.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 45: The Wise Guys 1:46:53
1:46:53
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1:46:53Fellow facehuggers, you are formally invited to hound our hostile hosts through this 40th anniversary appreciation of the birth of the most iconic sci-fi horror franchise of all time; the first act features the quarter pumpers paying a passing visit to Lair 2.0 to play three games set in the Alien universe: Alien vs. Predator arcade, Alien 3 on the Mega Drive, and Aliens arcade. Our chestbursters are then accompanied in their airlocked abyss by Simon to discuss Travel Man, My Dad Wrote a Porno, Fried Green Tomatoes, Super Meat Boy Forever, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, the Claw technique, Black Summer, and football game commentary; we reveal the winner of this month’s Falling Ballz Community Challenge, we proposition our Frisco fans, and share our opinions on the controversy surrounding the Epic Games Store. The predatory panel also ponder upon Cilla Black, rubber ducks, Des Lynam, deep baths, Ringo Starr, the watershed, Miranda Richardson, Chilean miners, and Gary Lineker; we deliver an update on the Talented Few in an unstable Sensi Soaks update, drop a selection of ageing memes, and Ross reveals his new and almost unbelievable gaming technique. Pubic topiary includes Ross using his mind meld, Thom confusing tenses and Simon comparing himself to Headcrab royalty.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 38.5: The Fall of Mankind 2:15:36
2:15:36
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2:15:36The atmosphere gets oppressively stifling in the second leg of this underwhelming wander, as our paltry pairing exhume repressed memories of the most disappointing games that they have ever played. We also chat about gardening, Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice, false advertising, Kane Hodder, roadworks, H.P. Lovecraft, parkour, See No Evil, malaria, Peter Molyneux, and Brexit; we read out the longest piece of fan mail received to date, debate the eradication of exclusive titles, and we perform a unique version of the Spider-Man theme. Dubstep champions include Thom foreshadowing and Ross hyperventilating.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 37: Candied Confederacies 1:58:14
1:58:14
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1:58:14Howdy Headcrabs, come on in and have a nice day whilst consuming the first slice of our potentially offensive American Independence Day special; listen as the perspiring spouses, fresh from their summer sabbatical, endeavour to rejuvenate the Gonarch’s Lair franchise with an absolute banger of an episode. During this chaotic congress we discuss Wrekfest, Red Faction Guerilla Re-Mars-tered, Earthfall, God of War, Historyline, Salt and Sanctuary, Retro Relish II, and the controversial Friday the 13th licensing lawsuit; our putrid pilgrims play two retro games that are loosely linked with the good old U.S. of A., and we reveal the winner of the Tiny Striker Community Challenge. We also talk about Bruce Springsteen, Death Valley, heatwaves and fever dreams, One-Punch Man, Mortimer & Whitehouse: Gone Fishing, and Belgian comics; we recommend podcasts that we have recently discovered, debate the benefits of drinking our own waste products, and we read out messages sent in by two genuine fans from opposite sides of the pond, Bath antics include Thom sucking rocks and Ross tickling ass.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 37.5: The Megadeath Moral Maze 1:35:35
1:35:35
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1:35:35In the second part of this uncongenial union, our world-class singles sail away on a sea of E3 scoops, scrutinising the roster of titles that were announced or teased at the most contentious of all the annual gaming expositions. We also talk about lactose intolerance, glam rock, Skol lager, Skylanders, Elijah Wood, and fisheye lens cameras; a former guest remotely examines our psyche, Ross shares his Fallout playlist, and we sample coffee provided by our new favourite local café. Home blends include Ross being telepathic and Thom towelling up.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 36: Parsecs and Peril 2:11:00
2:11:00
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2:11:00Welcome young Padawan, to our Star Wars special. The Force will have to be strong within you to endure this trial of tolerance, as we gossip in Galactic Basic Standard for close to 5 hours about arguably the biggest movie franchise of your planet’s timeline thus far. During part one of this audacious opera our villainous scum discuss the World Video Game Hall of Fame entries for 2018, Atomic Heart, Brooklyn 99, Kingdom Come: Deliverance, Arrested Development, Red Dead Redemption 2’s latest trailer, the Games Cathedral Facebook page, Paper Mario, Neflix’s Lost In Space, and Yoshi’s Woolly World; the scruffy-looking nerf nerders play four retro games in a topical Head-to-Head, reveal the victor in this month’s Steppy Pants Community Challenge, and announce the winner of the tiebreaker from last episode’s nail-biting contest. We also talk about iTunes reviews, Jabba’s toilet habits, O.J. Simpson, wormholes, Neil Marshall, and we rank our Headcrabs based upon their level of devotion to us; we reveal our previous guest’s homework game choices, share some relevant puns, field questions from one of the biggest Star Warriors we know, and we perform impressions of our favourite characters from both the Rebel Alliance and the Galactic Empire. Wookiee cookies include Ross being a conduit and Thom giving in to hate.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 36.5: Confessions of a Jedi Master 2:28:09
2:28:09
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2:28:09The second part of our midi-chlorian motivated mission is 99.9% genuine Star Wars content, join us as our geriatric Jedi juggle to the conclusion of their very own epic saga of an episode; we discuss all of the feature-length films in order of release, the cartoons and spin-off flicks, every video game inspired by the franchise, and we receive a provocative message from a regular guest which explores a troubling trend that transpires in the most loathed of the prequel movies. The remaining 0.1% of our fuzz ball’s cosmic conversation covers Kenneth Williams, The Adam and Joe Show, Edgar Wright, Robot Chicken, Throne of Blood, natural selection, Planet of the Apes, and we give our valued opinions on the new entertainment we would like to see developed next that utilises the inexhaustibly bountiful universe created by George Walton Lucas Jr. Outer rims include Thom having the high ground and Ross mixing up moustaches.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 35.5: Intelliwizened 1:28:50
1:28:50
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1:28:50In the second part of this frivolous frisk, we spend at least 80% of the conversation scrutinising Wayne’s nomadic video game history, and prising answers from him on the usual gaming related questions that we ask all of the Lair’s victims; his gaming persona, desert island game choices, his character point, and the three historical figures or celebrities he would play games with for a day. During our garrulous journey we discuss Stretch Armstrong, Mattel, Intellivision, R.O.B. the Robot, YouTube ad revenue, The Saboteur, Sara Lee, Star Citizen, reel-to-reel movies, and Windows updates; Wayne also finishes off his limerick, we play a gaming themed version of Just a Minute, and we debate whether gaming is a legitimate art form Close encounters include Ross dusting off his cod piece, Thom contracting gout and Wayne waning.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 35: Liquorice Panic! 2:07:22
2:07:22
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2:07:22Full disclosure: this episode in no way commemorates anything of note or significance, our nasty natives are instead joined by a guest who has for a long time teased his arrival in the Lair; like a pea in the wrong pod, and earning the title of most distinguished visitor to the deadly den, Wayne endures Ross and Thom’s company for close to 4 hours of excruciating examination. In part one the taxing triumvirate play the homework games set by Kelly back in episode 28, Castle of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse and NHL Hockey on the Sega Mega Drive, while discussing the British Podcast Awards, God of War, Retro Relish, Amazon Game Studios, Grainger Games, and No Man’s Sky Next; the incompetent inmates irrupt through three Commodore 64 classics as part of this month’s Head-to-Head, and we find out who will be winning a genuine prize from the Swing high score Community Challenge. We also chat about Richard and Judy, the NHS, Guy Ritchie, penis inversion, Edvard Munch, bullet ants, Coyote Peterson, and we finally discover when the last public execution by guillotine occurred in France. Dragon hippos include Thom’s comment cards, Wayne believing in himself and Ross unleashing hell.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 34.5: Apocalypse Then 2:06:03
2:06:03
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2:06:03Our choccy chowing chums have been resurrected and thrown back on-air to record the second part of this eggceptional episode, following extensive testing by our QA department it has now been deemed safe to pass over to our listener for their audible pleasure; we talk at length about the questions asked of our former guests: can you name three historical figures or celebrities you would like to play video games with for a day, what character trait did you receive a skill point in at the time of your birth, and which iconic movie roles should not be recast? We also share and discuss our top ten PS2 games while chatting about Wor Stories’ A Year at the Tyneside Cinema, Clueless Gamer, Talking Simpsons podcast, time control game mechanics, the multiverse, franchise reboots, Electronics Boutique, and we jump aboard the Brendan Fraser hype train to celebrate his comeback. White noise includes Ross selling pegs and Thom squeezing one out.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 34: The Luck of the Cryish 1:58:16
1:58:16
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1:58:16Top of the morning to you listener, thanks a million for once again subjecting yourselves to this latest by-product of the Lair’s putrescent periodical processes. In defiance of all logic, episode 34 is not an Easter special but it is instead masquerading as a belated St. Patrick's Day celebration, so expect plenty of questionable accents and insensitive innuendos about Irish culture. In part one of this shamrock showered shambles our gaming chat covers Battlefield V rumours, PUBG’s roadmap, Rogue Trooper, Risk of Rain, Gone Home, Warhammer: Vermintide 2, RiME, and the Battlefront 2 relaunch, whilst our TV and movie chat spans Altered Carbon, Black Panther, Baby Driver, The Cloverfield Paradox, the Star Wars live action TV show, Three Billboards, and Sorcerer; we also play three games which are tenuously linked to Ireland for this month’s Head-to-Head, and we end by finding out the winner of the Tower Paint Community Challenge. We also talk about Bolt Thrower, Cheese Toon, genital rashes, dip switches, nuclear winters, dial-up modems, novelty bed linen, SNL, and we rue the return of the Beast From the East. Primate prison rules include Thom tearing the neck off of it and Ross being conspicuous by his absence.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 33: The Orthopaedic Pancake 1:17:02
1:17:02
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1:17:02Good news listener, neither Ross nor Thom have perished since transmitting their previous communication from the Lair, so thankfully they are able to return as hosts for February’s episode. Contrary to popular rumours it is not a pancake or Valentine’s Day special, but that didn't stop our writers from peppering the script with topical puns and appropriate musical interludes. In the first part of these themeless theatrics the lovelorn lads discuss Anthem and Red Dead Redemption delays, Fear the Wolves, EA’s potential loss of the Star Wars license, Mavericks: Proving Grounds, Rainbow Six: Siege’s Outbreak event, Celeste, Dear Esther Live, and we ask what is a Shrove? We also talk about the Bunny Ears podcast, Battle Royale and The Condemned, The Toys That Made Us, and iPod Classic games; we play Super Tetris 3, Bust-a-Move, and Tetris Attack on the SNES as part of this month’s Head-to-Head contest, and we end by revealing the winner of the Snake VS Block Community Challenge. Chocolate dicks include Ross’ big battleship and Thom giving a personalised greeting.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 33.5: Bee Tee Dubs 1:22:10
1:22:10
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1:22:10In the second part of this frigid frolic through February, our battered brothers recount the top ten game lists and gaming achievements from some of our biggest fans, before discussing at length the highs and lows of our own Gamerscores. We also discuss banana bread, pixel hunts, consumption, the PS Vita, hole-in-ones, gaming headsets, Gnome Chomski, and we ask our guests from episodes past to answer some incredibly inspired questions. Lucky fishing hats include Thom procrastinating and Ross being anti-stealth.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 32: The Year of the Headcrab 1:42:13
1:42:13
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1:42:13The first episode of 2018 contains at least 50% less alcohol consumption than usual, as one of our foolish fellows forgoes fermented refreshments in an effort to fulfil his oath of a firewater free month. In part one of this teetotal twin production we discuss Arkham Knight, Hunt for the Wilderpeople, Black Mirror season 4, Forma.8, online communication bans, GTFO and Witchfire, Denis Through the Drinking Glass, and we debate the numerous emerging PUBG clones. We also talk about wrestlers hair, roly-poly girls, the definition of bukkake, money laundering, holodecks, and Bongo’s Bingo while playing Bar Games on the Commodore Amiga as part of a new season of Head-to-Head battles, ending the episode with the results of this months’ Community Challenge. Chicken dinners include Thom mocking Bambi and Ross phasing out of time.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 32.5: Gonarch's Lair Forever 1:48:59
1:48:59
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1:48:59In the sober sequel to part one of this year’s premier episode, we finally fulfil the initial purpose of the Gonarch’s Lair podcast by discussing our top ten Xbox 360 games, and in doing so cast doubt over whether we will return for episode 33… The answer is yes, of course we will! The Lair's captives also talk at length about the contents of Ross’ dusty suitcase, the Millennium Bug, VRChat, water physics and Bullet Time, we give our opinion on games that start too strong and franchises that make drastic changes to their format, and we speculate about a Mad Max reality. Retro yo-yos include Ross burning movie memorabilia and Thom debuting his special mic attack.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 31: The Anti-Christmas Special part 1 ~ Sinister Snowballs 59:55
59:55
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59:55Our two broken uncles return to Gonarch’s Grotto for the third year running, celebrating the festive season with their trademark gusto; proceedings are tinged this time however with an anti-Christmas vibe, in honour of Ross’ hatred for all things jolly. We discuss unwanted gifts and practical presents, beer advent calendars, we read out an email from an inmate at Xen’s Correctional Facility, have a topical Head-to-Head, and we find out the winner of this month’s Community Challenge. We also mention eggnog, sprout jokes, demented snowmen, we give our 2017 dead pool predictions, and we finally get to sample some Christkindle Gluhwein. Ninja geese include Ross shrinking and Thom aggressively tutting.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 31: The Anti-Christmas Special part 2 ~ The Gizmo Gamble 1:15:51
1:15:51
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1:15:51In part two, Ross and Thom continue their joyless journey through this years’ Christmas special by playing four retro video games; Gremlins on Atari 5200, Gremlins 2: The New Batch on NES, Home Alone on the SNES, and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York also on the SNES. While playing we discuss the Story Break podcast, Lazy Game Reviews, Gang Beasts, Hue, PUBG and Fortnite, and we rue Xbox One’s parity clause. We also talk about 4k TVs, the lucrativeness of microtransactions and lootboxes, Dungeons & Dragons, gambling in gaming, Ross’ Spotlight returns with jingle bells on, and we debate the Battlefront 2 controversy. Perception filters include Thom on a pogo stick and Ross swinging Billy's sword.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 31: The Anti-Christmas Special part 3 ~ Exit Womb 1:33:46
1:33:46
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1:33:46The third and final part of our Christmas special injects a small amount of genuine goodwill into the episode, boosting the merriment factor to 2 out of a possible 10. In it we talk about the Escape Room challenges that we have both faced within the past month, and we list our favourite games, movies and TV shows that we've played and watched throughout 2017. We also talk about spending Christmas away from home, streamlining anniversaries, Groupon and Wowcher, and we discover Thom’s Supervillain origin story. Bruised buttocks include Ross going along the corridor and up the stairs and Thom being totally random.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 30: Hallowe’en Special part 1 ~ Dawn of the Dusk 1:10:53
1:10:53
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1:10:53Virgins beware, our two sired souls are joined by an uninvited guest to help give vampires the Gonarch's Lair treatment for 2017’s Halloween spooktacular. In the first part of the triple bill we discuss vampire abilities and weaknesses, vampire lore not law, we guess which vampire we each have dressed as, a topical quiz decides this month’s Head-to-Head contest, and we find out who drove it like they stole it in the Super Mario Kart Community Challenge. We also talk about Vlad the Impaler, vampire hunters, Elizabeth Báthory, heroine, Darren Day, bestiality, and we do our best vampire impressions, Malevolent manifestations include Thom eating pillows, Simon not being invited in and Ross spooking back.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 30: Hallowe’en Special part 2 ~ Spit, Roast, Stake 1:39:49
1:39:49
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1:39:49In part two of this bloodsucking bonanza, the thrilling threesome play Night Hunter on the Commodore Amiga while chatting about Player Unknown’s Battlegrounds, Fortnite Battle Royale, Destiny 2, and the Stranger Things mobile game; we sample Hobgoblin crisps, green popcorn, and we take on the Starburst Trick or Treat challenge. We also extensively discuss vampire movies including Martin, Near Dark, Lost Boys, Fright Night, and Stakeland; we talk about Universal’s Dark Universe, debate the most despicable acts committed in video games, read out an email from a recent guest, and we reference a two year old meme. Poorly positioned pentagrams include Simon getting a cold-pop, Ross gurning and Thom being reduced to a gibbering wreck.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 30: Hallowe’en Special part 3 ~ The Great British Vampire Off 1:28:34
1:28:34
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1:28:34Show your fangs for the final part of our Halloween special, our calamitous clutch race against the rising sun while talking relentlessly about vampire games, from The Count on the ZX Spectrum to Vampyr on current gen. The discussion covers Halloween beer, Unfinished Swan, Mona the Vampire, food bacteria, and we see the return of Ross’ Spotlight. We also talk about Women’s Studies, the Chuckle Brothers, Ralph Macchio, the Swedish Olympic fencing team, Theodore Rosevelt, and we finish with some vampire puns. Shuggy handshakes include Ross being rebuked, Thom wishing he was undead and Simon keeping up appearances.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 29: The Accordion Belly Mishap 2:03:14
2:03:14
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2:03:14Two full years have passed since the genesis of our generally misunderstood and entirely irreverent podcast, and despite everyone’s best efforts we are still going strong! The first part of episode 29 has more slam dunks and exploding beverages than you could shake a cream pie at, as the Lair’s permanent residents turn the wackiness level up to 5 to celebrate their second birthday. Our loony lads discuss Marc Laidlaw’s Half-Life 3 script, Bazcardz, Runbow, Speedrunners, Xcom 2, The Fractured but Whole; and we breakdown the latest comprehensive updates for Battlefield 1, Rainbow Six: Siege, and No Man’s Sky. We also chat about cartoon slapstick, 10 Cloverfield Lane, erotic literature, Michael McIntyre, attractive animated characters, and man caves; we play cartoon themed games in the Head-to-Head, and we reveal the F-Zero Community Challenge results. Three-pronged attacks include Ross crowning a frog and Thom having the last noise.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 29.5: Charlie Babies and Peazac 2:38:22
2:38:22
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2:38:22In part 2 of episode 29, we take you all the way back to those lazy Saturday mornings and post-school afternoons spent in front of the magical box of light; eyes glued to the animated antics of our favourite cartoon characters, minds blown by universes and creatures beyond our imagination. Our comic couple discuss TV guides, speech impediments, comedic relief characters, action figures, and cartoon laughter tracks as they wade through an overwhelming amount of fan mail including one from another dimension! We also talk about recycling, Skylanders, extendable appendages, staying up past our bedtime, and we premier a new regular feature of the podcast: Ross’ Spotlight. Dutch Ovens include Thom doing his best cartoon character impressions and Ross looking for happiness.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 28: Potaito Legends 1:51:26
1:51:26
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1:51:26Women are from Venus, our men are from Xen, so expect absolute carnage in episode 28 when Ross and Thom welcome the Lair's first ever female visitor. The thrilling threesome chat about Ozark, Munchkin, GLOW, Hearthstone, Dunkirk, Cards Against Humanity, Wet Hot American Summer, and we pay tribute to George A. Romero. We also discuss lame superpowers, Tim Westwood, Quiznos, Jeremy Kyle, there's another topical Head-to-Head competition, and we reveal the winner of the Ghouls ’n Ghosts Community Challenge. Dream sequences include Thom issuing an apology, Kelly accepting an apology and Ross doing a binary solo.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 28.5: The Tale of Sir Tit-Salt 1:57:40
1:57:40
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1:57:40Chivalry is proven to be utterly dead in the second part of episode 28, as we subject our guest to the homework games chosen by Sie in episode 24, Moonstone: A Hard Days Knight on the Commodore Amiga and Flashback on the Sega Mega Drive. We also talk about sexism in gaming, Canadian gun law, female oriented games, pet names, we speculate on the next Nintendo Mini console, and Kelly gives the boys the greatest gift they have received to date. Following a Community Challenge newsflash we hear our guest highlight her history in gaming, explain her gaming persona, list her Desert Island Games, and we finish things off with another classic Gonarch’s Lair limerick. Jiggle physics include Ross playing to completion, Thom popping bubble wrap and Kelly recognising a Pagan ritual.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 27.5: The Crystal Cake 1:48:04
1:48:04
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1:48:04In the second part of episode 27, the deadly duo bludgeon their way through a list of serial killer games from the last 33 years, starting with Atari 2600's Halloween and ending with PS4's Until Dawn. Along the way we discuss our preferred MOs, proximity chat, text-based crime games, playing as the antagonist, and Thom presents his ‘launch week’ proposal. We also talk about jump scares, twist endings and reveals, copy-cat murders, we debate the difference between serial and spree killers, and Ross shares his homicide themed Slayer playlist. Erroneous exhibits include Thom being bitten by a ghost and Ross giving a public safety announcement.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 27: A Hessian Alibi 2:16:10
2:16:10
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2:16:10Celestial objects have aligned just long enough to allow another broadcast from Xen to reach the Pale Blue Dot, and with it comes a brand new episode of everyone’s favourite retro-gaming podcast. Ross and Thom return withattacks gusto in episode 27 to chat about E3, Micro Machines, NERG, Legion, the Heroes and Villains Fan Fest, and Alien: Covenant; we also reveal the results of our first Community Challenge, and we go Head-to-Head once again in another nail-biting contest. In addition we discuss injuries and extra bones, the NEbloggers Summer Picnic, penis puppetry, paintball and laser tag, VIP tickets, ransomware , and we retire a classic Gonarch’s Lair joke. Monthly murders include Ross towelling off and Thom’s dirty talk.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 26: A Sonic Renaissance 1:40:19
1:40:19
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1:40:19Just like a sucker punch to the jaw, unexpected and excruciating, we are back for the first half of yet another 2 part episode. Ross and Thom are both carrying career threatening injuries, yet still they manage to push the envelope of the retrogaming podcast genre while discussing COD WWII, DLC delays and the pressure on developers to create content, Giana Sisters: Twisted Dreams, Darkest Dungeon, Ryse: Son of Rome, Troma Entertainment, we share the results of the Indy Heat average MPH challenge, and we test a new approach to the Head-to-Head competition. We also discuss Venom, Baby Groot, Satanism, American Ninja, syphilis, White Dog, and the World Video Game Hall of Fame. Babba tactics include Thom singing a football chant and Ross forming a black metal band.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 26.5: The Fellowship of the Lair 2:22:17
2:22:17
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2:22:17In the second part of episode 26, Ross and Thom set a new record for their longest podcast yet while talking about 1v1 fighting games. We discuss special moves, novelty and tribute characters, Street Fighter clones, fatalities and gore, button bashing, and we read some messages from regular listeners and fans including a rare communication from Xen. We also talk about SNK's Neo Geo, motion capture animation, retro-game guides, fighting game crossovers, and we debate the misogynistic design of female characters along with the contentious balance of sexuality and power. Electric cuddles include Ross doing a fight and Thom having a chocogasm.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 25: Burnt Toast and Almonds 1:47:17
1:47:17
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1:47:17Climb aboard the hype train and bear witness to the splendour of the Lair's latest offering; episode 25 not only marks our quarter century episode and half century release, it also is not an Easter special despite rumours that it is. In part one Ross and Thom discuss in-app purchases and paywalls, Evolve, video game emulation, Cities: Skylines, Hammer Horror, Bastion, Disney live-action remakes, This War of Mine, the discontinuation of the NES classic, Let It Die, S-Town, and we unveil a new approach to our homework tasks. We also talk about train drivers, speed inflation, musicals, knock-off chocolate, Ross’ Horrorfest, and we reveal the winner of our latest Head-to-Head contest. Easter eggs include Ross' sexual awakening and Thom’s death rattle.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 25.5: Elementary, My Dear Miss Daisy 2:11:54
2:11:54
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2:11:54Buckle up and start your engines for the second part of yet another milestone episode. In this 2 hour endurance test, Ross and Thom talk non-stop about racing games; they read out and debate our listeners' favourites, discuss arcade racing classics, Go Karts, rally games, flying sims, and vehicle tuning. We also talk about roadworks, copy protection, scratch and sniff discs, the Super FX chip, we speculate on the future of racing games, and we do our best car noises, all the while playing a topical drinking game. Non-porous materials include Thom changing gears and Ross Smurfing his Smurf all over the Smurfy Smurf.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 24: Rinse and Repeat 1:19:51
1:19:51
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1:19:51Salutations listener and welcome to episode 24, come join Ross and Thom in their abode of nightmare hosts while they entertain and amuse yet another special guest. In part one we coerce Sie into helping us with our homework assignment by playing Gods and Flimbo’s Quest on the Commodore Amiga; discussing the Nintendo Switch launch, Zelda: Breath of the Wild, parallax scrolling, and the No Man’s Sky Pathfinder update along the way. We also talk about Danger 5, escape rooms, Black Mirror, we premier an 8-bit cover of our theme tune, and we reveal the results of the Atari Tempest Head-to-Head challenge. Super Zapper recharges include Thom calling shenanigans, Ross slipping a Mickey and Sie keeping us on track.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 24.5: Stay Awhile and Listen 1:49:29
1:49:29
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1:49:29In the second part of episode 24, our hosts relax to Sie’s dulcet tones as he recounts his gaming history, shares his Desert Island Games, and explains the reasoning behind his gaming persona choice. The sprawling conversation covers RTS and RPG games, LAN parties, point-and-click adventures, Dungeon Crawlers, and the impact gaming has on your social life. We also discuss medieval weaponry, video game piracy, internet dating, gaming withdrawal, and Sie finishes off his limerick and chooses our next homework assignment. Cold turkey cravings include Sie breaking the ice, Thom impersonating Cactuar and Ross disputing an urban myth.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 23: The Gutter Pals 1:21:10
1:21:10
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1:21:10On no listeners, it's that time again when Ross and Thom convene in the Lair to muse over anything that they can tenuously link to retrogaming, thus satisfying their subscribers appetite for this heavily saturated podcast genre. In the first part of episode 23 they discuss the Netflix Original Castlevania series, the latest Rainbow Six: Siege and Enter the Gungeon updates, open-world driving games, the return of Mirco Machines, Ash Vs Evil Dead, whether chess is a game or a sport, and we receive an email from the creator of Bload Runner. We also talk about The OA, Dr Crends' Medical Workshop, the speaking clock, Attack on Titan, zombies suffering with PTSD, we find out the winner of the Demons to Diamonds Head-to-Head challenge, and we take applications for future guests. Orgasm cakes include Ross giving out a coupon and Thom mirroring the tone.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 23.5: Lock and/or Load 1:40:01
1:40:01
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1:40:01The second part of our 23rd episode is all about video game weapons; our hosts focus on the characters' personal armoury rather than special moves, abilities, power-ups, and vehicles. They debate the ones we all love and hate, taking suggestions for both categories from you, the fans. We also discuss standalone DLC releases, weapon deterioration, Valve's disinterest in console gaming, dismemberment, the origin of dual-wielding, the difference between DPS, DOT and AOE, and we do our best gun-noise impressions. Lethal loadouts include Thom taking a pipe to the boat race and Ross getting his weapon out for the lads.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 22.5: The Game of IRL 1:48:25
1:48:25
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1:48:25In part two of our first episode of 2017, Ross and Thom talk almost exclusively about the board games they played during their youth and adolescence, and the favourites of their friends, family and fans alike. We discuss the definition of a board game, their assembly and maintenance, losing and breaking parts, the Pop-O-Matic, and the almost unbelievable origin of draughts. We also discuss Board James, chemistry kits, the last day of term, the manipulation of IMDB ratings, and our hosts choose another retro game for the next head-to-head highscore challenge. Missing pieces include Thom declaring unity and Ross declaring war.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 22: The Year of the Mock 1:32:22
1:32:22
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1:32:22Welcome to 2017, and the first Gonarch’s Lair podcast of the year. In part one Ross and Thom discuss movie trailer voiceovers, Super Mario Run, dated CGI effects, Super Mario Odyssey, deliberate merchandising ploys, Unravel, the latest Xbox One backwards compatible games, Drawception, and we review an Amiga game that was programmed by our most established fan. We also talk about the return of Starcade, the Coen brothers’ new series, Rogue One, Buzzard, and we find out who was victorious in the Pac-Man high score contest set by Ross in episode 20.5. Surprising stools include Ross squeaking his hip-flask and Thom wasting time.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 21: The Gonarch Christmas Carol part 3 ~ Nightmare on 34th Street 1:15:15
1:15:15
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1:15:15In the third and final part of this years’ Christmas special Simon tests Ross and Thom’s knowledge of Santa Claus portrayals in movies with a picture quiz, we finish off Ken’s Christmas Dingbats, and we discuss our favourite Christmas movies. We also eat some festive chocolate cakes while discussing flimsy controllers, the difference between Margot Kidder and Karen Allen, Quentin Tarantino’s foot fetish, and we finish off by summing up 2016 in particularly dramatic fashion. Cheese slice attacks include Simon not numbering pages, Ross propositioning Michelle Pfeiffer and Thom having a Christmas movie related revelation.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 21: The Gonarch Christmas Carol part 1 ~ Churros and Glühwein 57:07
57:07
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57:07Our 2016 Christmas special has arrived and, just like Santa’s sack, it is jam-packed and overflowing with joy and goodwill. Ross and Thom are joined by Simon, Christmas' biggest fan, for the first of three visits to Gonarch’s Grotto; we talk about Ubisoft’s DLC policy, pay walls, Christmas Noobs, and the No Man’s Sky update. We also discuss the PlayStation Experience reveals of The Last of Us Part Two, the Crash Bandicoot N-Sane Trilogy, and the new trailer for Death Stranding. Christmas dingbats include Ross learning about Churros, Thom being socially inept and Simon’s lecture on how Santa Claus is represented throughout the European Union.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 21: The Gonarch Christmas Carol part 2 ~ Yule Lads 1:05:35
1:05:35
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1:05:35The second part of this jubilant bonanza rapidly descends into chaos as the merry mob play Winter Games on the ZX Spectrum while reading out some mince pie reviews and an email from a fan. We also discuss Iceland’s 13 Trolls, re-gifting, and the worst presents that we have ever received. Sausage-swipers include Th5m breaking the game, Sim5n setting a World Record and R5ss without free rum.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 20: Super-Sub! 1:24:32
1:24:32
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1:24:32Welcome back to the sack for episode 20, another milestone in Ross and Thom's podcasting careers. In the first part of this double feature our hosts are again joined by Kristian and they do their very best to alienate him by discussing the Wylam Brewery Game & Grill, Nintendo Switch, Battlefield 1, Red Dead Redemption 2, and reviewing Double Dragon the movie. We also discuss Black Mirror, Noah, formulaic Superhero origin movies, and Thom makes a prediction about the next game in the Call Of Duty franchise. Cheese-powered Dragon Wagons include Thom going knee-deep, Kristian's top 3 reasons and the return of Ross’ cursed ring.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 20.5: Tempted by Gods 1:45:44
1:45:44
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1:45:44In the second part of episode 20 we dedicate almost 2 hours of our lives to learning about Kristian’s history in gaming, his Desert Island Games choices, and his gaming persona. We also talk about Roger Moore, sports games, 'Atlanta' starring Donald Glover, old-school ‘pass the controller’ co-op, and Ross challenges Thom to a highscore contest. Invade-a-loads include Ross dropping his notes, Thom replicating a tone and Kristian finally finishes his limerick.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 19: Hallowe’en Special part 1 ~ The Universal Colour of Spook 1:15:00
1:15:00
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1:15:00It’s our favourite time of year when the nights are closing in, there’s a chill in the air, and sinister sounds are emanating from Gonarch’s Lair. Ross and Thom are joined by a ghoulish guest for the first of three haunted Halloween special episodes in which we focus on zombies, arguably one of the most iconic gaming and movie antagonists. In part one we guess which zombie we are each dressed as, we discuss the variety of zombie types, zombie movie rules, the glamorization of the zombie apocalypse, and our guest is the quizmaster for two zombie-themed quizzes. We also discuss Pagan facts, zombie fetishes, the lack of Halloween ales, emergency chapsticks, we do our best eerie Halloween voices, and we receive an email from a familiar. Deliberate dismemberments include Thom effing and jeffing, Michael having a funny turn and Ross’ boomstick.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 19: Hallowe’en Special part 2 ~ Stroking the Ghost 1:22:45
1:22:45
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1:22:45In the second part of our spooktacular special, the gang play Zombi on the ZX Spectrum before discussing our favourite zombie movies and literature, and sharing our Gamertags and PSN IDs. We also discuss Dara O’Briain’s Go 8 Bit, No Man’s Sky, parody porn, and Thom writes a limerick for Michael. Endless ectoplasm includes Michael suffering from sexual discrimination, Ross being Fonzie and Thom wasting lives.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 19: Hallowe’en Special part 3 ~ The Z Word 1:15:23
1:15:23
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1:15:23In the third and final chilling chapter of our Halloween special we discuss zombie video games in a vague chronological order, focusing heavily on the Left 4 Dead series; our favourite playable characters, crescendo moments, exploits, and we offer our own special infected concepts for the rumoured Left 4 Dead 3. We also discuss Street Fighter: Assassin’s Fist, Nazi zombies, and Ross hands out some gifts. Gratuitous gore includes Ross having a bad time, Thom peaking too late and Michael supporting the battle against evil.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 18.5: The People vs. Kristian 1:26:25
1:26:25
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1:26:25In the second part of episode 18 we discuss the PS4 Pro, cross-platform play, Games with Gold and PS Plus, Smart Phone peripherals, and Kristian answers some questions from another super-fan. We also talk about playground taunts, Bryan Ferry’s wardrobe, pet rabbits, time-travel devices, and we receive a genuine piece of fan mail. Bling blazers include Thom changing history, Ross’ legal advice and some gifts from Kristian.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 18: Bluegrass Suicide 1:24:50
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1:24:50In the first episode of their second year of podcasting, the Lair’s permanent residents force a special guest to play the homework that was set in episode 15.5, Knight Lore and California Games. We also discuss 80’s Pop music, phases of the moon, Catchphrases' Mr. Chips, the ‘spice of life’, and eating dessert first. Spicy footbags include Kristian rage quitting, Ross saying ‘scrumdiddlyumptious’ and another limerick from Thom.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 17: First Anniversary Special 1:38:13
1:38:13
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1:38:13Against all odds, The Gonarch’s Lair Podcast has reached its 1st birthday! Twelve long months of podcasting culminate in this special celebratory episode, which features Ross and Thom giving themselves a well-deserved pat on the back; reminiscing about their favourite episodes and homework assignments, and discussing other significant anniversaries in the gaming calendar this year. We also talk about the Battlefield 1 Open Beta, the upcoming Wylam Brewery Game and Grill, the Starship Troopers novel, and we give a shout out to all of our special guests and fans. Audio anomalies include more malapropisms from Ross and Thom lighting a candle.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 16: Special Defects 1:26:49
1:26:49
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1:26:49We once again invite you into the Lair for more gaming references and tenuous innuendos in an all-new episode. In part one Thom and Ross discuss Atari: Game Over, Xbox Originals, binge-watching box sets, Stranger Things (spoiler free), Ready Player One (also spoiler free), and we share the listener’s suggestions for porno versions of Pokémon. We also debate ‘hysterical strength’, gardening, TV licenses and the fate of the BBC, YouTube adverts, Neo-Nerds, and we debunk a sexual fetish myth. Found footage includes ‘Incredible Ross’ and Thom’s tight shorts.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 16.5: The Power of the Edit 1:14:32
1:14:32
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1:14:32In the second part of episode 16 the inebriated twosome attempt to review Indie Game: The Movie and King of Kong which results in discussions about Flash games, the Xbox Summer of Arcade, overly defensive developers, excessive load times, Xbox’s parity clause failings, the detrimental effects of bad marketing, USPs, and we compare 8-bit ‘bedroom coders’ to today’s indie developers. Sordid secrets include Thom laughing at himself and Ross quitting.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 15.5: Wor Simon's Quest 1:18:26
1:18:26
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1:18:26We finally arrive at the end of the Simon's journey in the second part of episode 15 as he tells us about his video game history, his gaming persona, and his Desert Island Games. We also debate the highs and lows of Nintendo, Zorb football, how games can influence our musical tastes, jaffa cakes, and accidental misogyny. Damp squibs include Thom trying out a new introduction, Simon’s Krusty the Clown laugh and Ross mispronouncing ‘Chocobo’.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 15: Nil by Meowth 1:05:07
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1:05:07The Gonarch’s Lair team are back, refreshed from their short summer break, and joined again by Simon who has some unfinished business with Ross and Thom. In the first part of episode 15 we discuss E3 announcements, Geocaching, the Pokémon Go phenomenon, modular consoles, and we find out what UXB stands for. We also talk about robot butlers, rule 34, Thom’s purple axe, the rapidly fading divide between the real and virtual world, pulled pork, and our favourite Looney Tunes characters. Crippling addictions include Ross counting matchsticks, Thom’s limerick and Simon threatening our biggest fan.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 14: Duck and/or Cover 1:37:03
1:37:03
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1:37:03In episode 14 we get back to retrogaming in a big way as we subject another special guest to some 8-bit classics, this time it's 'The Trap Door' and 'Psycho Pigs UXB' which were chosen as homework in episode 11. We discuss game chat trolling, frustrating end of level bosses, and the futility of using cheats and exploits in video games. We also talk about German expressionist cinema, Australia’s deadliest animals, the differences between stalagmites and stalactites, and the recurring topic of the similarities between Jack Nicholson and Christian Slater. Nuclear fallout includes Ross showing a game who’s boss, Simon telling some Geordie jokes and Thom squealing like a piggy.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 14.5: The Journey to the Fireworks Factory 1:34:39
1:34:39
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1:34:39In the second part of episode 14 we continue the gaming discussion with Simon, our 5th guest in the Lair, by debating free-to-play game models, backwards compatibility versus remasters, predictable tropes in AAA titles, and the dangers of the ‘hype machine’. We also discuss gaming clothing, controversial violence in games, the flaws in religious rhetoric, and Gabe Newell's perineum. Tainted love includes Ross being late to the party, Thom’s distressing ‘tuna sandwich’ story and Simon’s 'owl poo' anecdote.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 13: Ezra's Musk 1:39:35
1:39:35
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1:39:35Thirteen may be unlucky for some, but not so for Ross and Thom as they finally get a chance to interview Inspector Bobby Fogg and his rookie apprentice Clive Palin for their latest episode. Throughout this horror themed special we discuss spiritual informants, exorcisms, breaking conventions in gaming, asbestos, the job club, Saturday night quiz show hosts, fragrance ranges, stakeout games, fishing permits, wrestling alligators, and the definition of death. Our latest Guesticles also bring Ross and Thom some unforgettable gifts. Paranormal activities include Inspector Fogg freestyling poetry, Clive's quest for romance, Thom's impression of the Crypt Keeper and the tale of Ross' cursed ring.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 12.5: Guesticle Rising 1:23:05
1:23:05
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1:23:05In the second part of episode 12 Ross and Thom run through an A to Z of movies we feel deserve a video game tie-in, we discuss banned words from our childhood, drinking Earl Grey tea with milk, and holidaying in Sokovia. We also discuss Terry’s incarceration following his confession in episode 11, Michael working in Las Vegas, and Ross’ stamp of approval. Questionable secretions include Thom getting the alphabet wrong and Ross sharing his urine.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 12: Consoles for Hire 49:14
49:14
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49:14In the first part of episode 12 Ross and Thom discuss DJ mashups, the glorification of war in first-person shooters, the Overwatch and Doom betas, the absence of game manuals, and we pitch an idea that we believe will revolutionise console ownership. We also discuss the new Battlefield and Call Of Duty trailers, Ross’ experience with Dark Souls 3, and we bid a fond farewell to the Xbox 360 whilst saying 'no thanks' to mid-generation consoles. Optional DLC includes Thom’s one word impression of a Swedish game developer and Ross tickling our listener.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 11: The Half-Life Special part 1 ~ The Ballad of Butt-Wink 47:47
47:47
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47:47Welcome to the first part of our Half-Life Special triple bill. Ross and Thom are put to the test in two Half-Life themed quizzes written by Terry who recently returned from fighting intergalactic crime. We also devise a Jet Set Willy drinking game, discuss anal bleaching, enemas, and the origins of left-handedness. Anti-Mass Spectrometer byproducts include Thom outsmarting Terry, Ross impersonating a cow and Terry’s incriminating confession.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 11: The Half-Life Special part 2 ~ Green Cross Corrode 1:05:49
1:05:49
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1:05:49In the second part of our Half-Life special we discuss the Half-Life game that started it all and it’s associated content; Opposing Forces, Decay, Blue Shift and Counter Strike. We also explore the enemies, bosses and weapons of Half-Life, the pros and cons of silent protagonists in gaming, Half-Life’s iconic SFX, and reading on the toilet. Other hypervelocity projectiles include Terry's forgettable crisp anecdote, Thom’s theory on the varying tastiness of brains and Ross reminiscing about Black Mesa's glory holes.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 11: The Half-Life Special part 3 ~ Riff-Writer General 1:40:36
1:40:36
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1:40:36In the third and final part of the Half-Life special we explain the story of Half-Life 2 and it’s sequels, discuss the varying difficulty of Half-Life 2’s achievements, and we speculate on potential movie tie-ins and Valve’s fear of the number three. We also debate the use of 'Mr. Exposition' in Sci-Fi TV series, biological warfare, the disappearance of physical PC games due to Steam’s monopolization of the PC gaming market, Ross’ hatred for daffodils, neutering cats, and we make a plea for sponsorship from a well-known brewery. Citadel citations include Ross showing his true colours, Terry’s appeal for more bears in nature documentaries and Thom arguing that it wouldn’t be entirely emasculating to become a eunuch.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 10: The Diabetic Super-Spy 1:21:52
1:21:52
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1:21:52Welcome to episode 10; another milestone, another two-parter. In the first act Ross and Thom discuss the homework that was set in episode 9; Paperboy, Roller Coaster, and Dynamite Dan. We also debate morality in gaming, the extinction of newspapers and hummingbirds, the similarities between thrash metal and 8-bit games, and vegetarianism. This special bumper edition includes our list of the C64’s foibles, Thom’s theory on subliminal fish & chip advertising and Ross’ haunting tale of his abduction by a fascist.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 10.5: Swings and Roundabouts 1:31:25
1:31:25
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1:31:25In the second act of episode 10 we read out some messages from our biggest fans before recollecting memories of the schoolyard and back lane games that we played in our youth. We also talk about Ross’ susceptibility to gruesome injuries, the enviable power of a child’s imagination, Thatcher’s Britain, and the enduring stigma attached to being labelled as a 'gamer’. Nostalgic nuggets include Thom’s impression of Rick Moranis, an old wives' tale and Ross’ lesson on how to woo the ladies through the medium of hopscotch.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 9.5: Shaft, Penetrator of the Universe 1:24:47
1:24:47
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1:24:47In the second half of episode 9 we discuss Ross' Dragons' Den pitch, decide on our death row meal choices, read out some hilarious movie reviews, and receive our second piece of fan mail! We also discuss Ross' addiction to Bloodborne and Making a Murderer, the rivalry between Marvel and DC, and how storylines are taking a backseat to graphics in video games. This once-in-a-lifetime offer includes Ross dropping a fact-bomb, Thom in tears of joy and Michael's 'movie trailer' voice.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 9: Charmy Bee's PTSD 1:26:35
1:26:35
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1:26:35It's episode 9 and Michael is in the spotlight as we quiz him on his gaming history using the Gonarch's Lair 'Tangent Technique' (trademark pending). We also discuss the lack of humour in modern gaming, make at least two wonderful puns, and vaguely plan a camping trip. Terrific titbits include Ross reciting some Shakespeare, Thom breaking the tenth commandment and Michael getting a tingle from a Lenny Henry related anecdote.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 8.5: A Trip Down Mammary Lane 1:54:57
1:54:57
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1:54:57In the second part of episode 8 we discuss fashion faux pas of our youth, birthday cakes, our celebrity-robot battle fantasies, and the games we've played recently. We also ask Michael for his Desert Island Games and gaming persona. Epic moments include Michael singing an MN8 song, Ross blowing our minds with a Shatner fact, Thom speculating on Arnie's favourite confectionary and a cameo from Dr. Crend…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 8: Fight and Go Right 1:14:20
1:14:20
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1:14:20It's the first Gonarch's Lair of 2016 and we are back with a bang! In this episode we torture a special guest by forcing him to play Venturama and Beyond the Ice Palace on the ZX Spectrum. We also discuss banned clothing, crippling phobias, and Madonna's muscly arms. Priceless snippets include Ross' serendipitous 'Heathers' story and Thom introducing Johnny the B.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 7: Gonarch's Christmas Lair part 3 ~ The Beauty of Alcohol 1:15:08
1:15:08
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1:15:08In the third and final part of our Christmas special we finally get into the holiday spirit by discussing festive themed games and our most memorable Christmas gaming gifts. Second helpings include half of a Christmas carol, a Real Ale related tangent and Ross' Robocop story.
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 7: Gonarch's Christmas Lair part 2 ~ Fizzy Sausage Drinks 1:11:17
1:11:17
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1:11:17In the second part of the Gonarch's Christmas Lair special we talk about our visit to the Game On 2.0 exhibition at the Centre Of Life and Thom's experience at the Newcastle Film and Comic Con, featuring plenty of arcade cabinets and cosplay respectively. We also discuss our favourite Christmas songs and try to justify how the holiday season masks our alcoholism. Festive trimmings include Ross' interchangeable shafts and Thom with a mouthful of lid.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 7: Gonarch's Christmas Lair part 1 ~ A Conversational Cul-de-sac 1:15:31
1:15:31
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1:15:31'Tis the season so we've decorated the lair, stuffed the Christmas Headcrab, and recorded a three-part holiday special for you to enjoy with all the family this festive season. In the first part we review the homework that was set in the last episode; BMX Simulator, Saboteur, and Dark Sceptre. We also discuss our recent gaming purchases and Ross' Grinch-like tendancies. Stocking fillers include a visit from Santa Claus and Ross being a very naughty boy.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 6: SSFII SE round 3 ~ Guile Got Thousand Move 47:21
47:21
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47:21In the third and final round of the SSFII SE the team discuss in greater detail each character from Street Fighter II including backstories, tactics, and their hobbies outside of the World Warrior tournament. Included for your listening pleasure are all of the original SNES stage themes and some of our favourite character SFX.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 6: SSFII SE round 2 ~ One to Gorgonzog 1:03:08
1:03:08
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1:03:08In the second round of the SSFII SE the boys receive their first fan mail and test their knowledge in two Street Fighter themed quizzes. Special meaty bits include Thom being question master, Ross quoting Clutch again and Terry making a sharp exit.
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 6: SSFII SE round 1 ~ Distribution Denied 1:02:17
1:02:17
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1:02:17The sixth episode of the critically acclaimed Gonarch's Lair podcast is a Super Street Fighter II Special Edition spanning three rounds. In the first part the gang discuss the homework set in the previous episode, Bionic Commando and Tour De Force, and they also explain their gaming persona choices. Listen out for a sober version of Ross, Thom being excitable and Terry's triumphant return from the final frontier.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 5.5: Rot O'Clock 1:31:12
1:31:12
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1:31:12In the second half of episode 5 Ross and Thom discuss childhood memories of visiting amusement arcades with friends and family, their favourite seaside resorts and arcade cabinets, and a million-dollar, niche arcade idea. We also discuss pinball and 2p machines, bingo, on-rails shooters, rigged claw machines, innovative cabinet controls, and the ambient sounds from amusement arcades. Coin-operated classics include Ross being pleasantly surprised and Thom forgetting who went skiing.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 5: Voicemail from Xen 1:48:04
1:48:04
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1:48:04In the first half of this milestone fifth episode Thom and Ross review Daley Thompson's Decathlon, Turrican and Beachhead, and they receive an update on Terry's whereabouts. Included at no extra cost: Thom no longer mixing business with pleasure and Ross wiggling his 'joystick'.
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 4.5: Delicious Links 1:14:49
1:14:49
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1:14:49The 'dynamic duo' round off this double-header with the top 100 video games according to the Games™ August 2010 issue. Contains periods of reminiscing and disagreement but it's overall really very entertaining. Top two moments include explaining sentimentality and Ross' Paper Boy drinking game.
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 4: A Kerfuffle in Time 1:19:16
1:19:16
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1:19:16Thom and Ross review the three games that were set as homework; Who Dares Wins 2, Spitting Image, and Vixen. Bonus features include Ross improvising an intro, Thom earning a new nickname and the sound of red wine.
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 3.5: It Came from the Council Estate 1:07:32
1:07:32
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1:07:32Or 'Blast's Past part 2', the team pick up where they left off in episode 2 and finish discussing Terry's history in gaming. Special features include Thom repeating a question, Terry miming an everyday activity and Ross trying out a new sign off.
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 3: Up to Jump 1:46:17
1:46:17
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1:46:17In episode 3 Ross, Thom and Terry discuss the six 8-bit games they chose to set as homework assignments following the recording of episode 2. The games they played are the classic platformer Jet Set Willy, the isometric spy puzzler Movie, the sci-fi shooter Star Warrior, the text based adventure Famous Five, the legendary combat driving game Spyhunter, and the controversial platformer The Great Giana Sisters. The episode also features Thom telling a joke, Ross making a peculiar noise and Terry declaring a controversial opinion.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 2: Blast's Past 1:22:37
1:22:37
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1:22:37In episode two we meet Terry and discuss his first gaming experiences, pick our Desert Island Games and generally have a ruddy good time. Best bits include Terry telling a little white lie, Thom keeping things organic and Ross laughing at a rude joke.
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 1: A Game About Nothing 1:36:16
1:36:16
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1:36:16Welcome one and all to The Gonarch's Lair Podcast where we excel in tangents, dubious facts, and a passion for video games. In this, the first ever episode, the founding members introduce themselves, discuss their history in gaming, and try to rationalise the existence of this podcast, all from the relative safety of Gonarch's Lair. Opening night jitters include Ross being disillusioned and Thom's impression of a demon.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 44: Tacon, Lettuce, and Bomato 1:17:41
1:17:41
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1:17:41The year has sprung spring, and witnessing a refreshing return to the season of rebirth has galvanised our enigmatic entertainers, who have endeavoured to qualify this questionable concoction as an Easter special for each and every elegant Eggcrab. We implore you to impetuously immerse yourselves in the inane incantation of three rabid rogues, for the initial part of this naturally nebulous episode as they discuss Jedi: Fallen Order, World War Z, Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, Days Gone, WarioWare, Borderlands 3, and Google’s Stadia; we debate archaic infrastructure delaying technological advancements, rue the increasing difficulty of modern video games, and we reveal who dominated in Dumb Ways to Die for this month’s Community Challenge. Our unholy trinity also talk about Off Menu Podcast, Aladdin, Apple TV+, The Kid Who Would Be King, Disney+, Captain Marvel, Now TV, The Mandalorian, Werner Herzog, You vs. Wild, Greg Sestero, Our Planet, and the controversial porn passes; we recognise the common theme of pop music remixes featuring in movie trailers, accuse a disgraced footballer of causing the recent Notre-Dame catastrophe, and Ross provides a progress update on The Talented Few in a thrilling Sensi Soaks segment. Acrostic poems include Ross defragmenting, Thom dropping his machete and Simon reclaiming his sovereignty.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 44.5: Hot Cross Fun 1:46:30
1:46:30
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1:46:30The second part of this riotous rite is fundamentally flooded by a roughly relevant Gonarch’s Player, which features Ross and Thom playing three retro games: Chuckie egg, Rabbit Punch, and Super 3D Noah’s Ark. The troubling troika creatively cram the remaining recording with discussions about Headspace, Clint Mansell, Sexy Parodius, Tommy Walsh, submariners, Rag’n’Bone Man, Family Fortunes, James Bond, Baileys, and various Chris Evans productions; we decide on how we would like our carcasses to be disposed of, ask our listeners to answer a hypothetical question involving a daft genie, and our most elusive Headcrab suggests a theme for episode 45. The blasphemous batch also talk about midwifery, turkey farming, hypnotism, spitting goats, fancy teacakes, polyglots, jigsaws, and milking cats; we debate the lack of funding in the creative arts sector, the annoyance of adopted misspellings, and Simon gives us a taster of his Jurassic Park stand-up routine. Beans on a plate include Thom creating a vortex, Simon rubbing the right way and Ross catapulting lambs.…
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1 Gonarch's Lair episode 43: The Contaminated Conception 1:13:49
1:13:49
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1:13:49Welcome mummy’s boys and girls, to the joint mother's day and climate change special! The polluted pair were persuaded to pay tribute to all of those Gonarchs out there, whilst simultaneously highlighting the unseasonably warm weather we have experienced recently; the byproduct of their comeuppance is this, our most tenuously themed show to date. During this maternal meander we talk about Battlefield V’s Firestorm mode, Darksiders, Back 4 Blood, Nex Machina, Thunder Force, Tetris 99, and the NERD Retro Fayre; we decide which gaming related gift we would buy our mothers on their dedicated day, we lament the irritation of time sensitive assignments, and we acknowledge the original Battle Royale game. We also talk about Lord Lucan, Chlorofluorocarbons, This Time with Alan Partridge, Storm Gareth and Hannah, After Life, Judge Dredd, and Escher; we debate the rumoured acquisition of Take 2 by Sony, Ross gives us a dramatic Sensi Soaks update, and we announce the results of this month’s Community Challenge. Six-shooters include Thom having a cold realisation and Ross with a twinkle in his eye.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 43.5: Labour, Loving, or Lair? 1:26:38
1:26:38
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1:26:38In the second part of this laborious limp, Ross and Thom play three topical games on the Sega Mega Drive: Captain Planet and the Planeteers, Mick and Mack: Global Gladiators, and Decap Attack, while talking about Netflix’s War of the Worlds, stealth fries, Yogi Bear, Virgin Interactive Entertainment, Tarot Cards, Junior, Yellowstone National Park, and Jennifer Connolly; the producer recycles some leftover puns, we receive a message from El Chappo that could once and for all reveal their gender, and Thom recounts a story told as recently as the first part of episode 43. The toxic twosome also discuss turd nuggets, Auschwitz, close shaves, milkshakes, on-air arguments, and overlapping dogs; we see the welcome return of Ross’ Playlist, propose some new and controversial voting regulations, and we reveal the virus that is slowly killing planet Earth: humankind. Creepy clowns include Ross doffing his cap and Thom making a death call.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 42: Open Season 1:10:18
1:10:18
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1:10:18Sexually suggestive salutations to you, our horny little Headcrabs, as you join our shriveled seducers in their most offensive episode to date: the highly anticipated sex games special. The first salacious slice of this gratuitous grind features our deviants devouring some candidly crass communications from our most provocative fans, before discussing Crackdown 3, RDR2 Gun Rush, Apex Legends, Space Megaforce, Transistor, Final Fight 3, Resident Evil 2, Half-Life VR, and the rumours of new Borderlands, Bioshock and Fable games; we debate the spate of developers parting company from publishers, gaming censorship being influenced by real-life crime, and Ross delivers a particularly sensual Sensi Soaks update. We also talk about Terry Crews, Ghost Stories, James Brown, Abducted in Plain Sight, Elvira, Nightflyers, Robert A. Heinlein, Sunderland ‘Til I Die, Amazon Echo, and The Life Bath podcast; we reveal the winners of this month’s Community Challenge, objectify women by comparing them to our favourite video game consoles, and we reference Total Recall on more than one occasion. Strawberry pies include Thom twitching and Ross requiring rewiring.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 42.5: The Pink Flamingo Hotel 2:15:25
2:15:25
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2:15:25Grab the tissues and lotion in preparation for the second part of this impotent installment as, in tribute to the month of love-making, the damsels in distress reconvene in Lair 2.0 to play three topical games in a lust laden Gonarch’s Player: Sex Vixens From Space, Sex Olympics, and Sextimates. Following that floundering foreplay, our moist mates moan about Eurotrash, John Ronson, ASMR, PaymoneyWubby, The Ward, Paul Calf, glory holes, Pauline Calf, The Rats, Fonejacker, erotic aids and cures for hysteria, and the Kama Sutra; we ask if sex scenes in mainstream movies are at all necessary before sharing which are our favourites, we relent to the demands of our fans and bring back the Producer’s Puns, and we come close to resurrecting a joke from the banned gag archive. Submission sports include Ross suppressing memories and Thom’s promiscuous past.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 41: Totally Chill Xmas Spesh part 1 ~ Just Say Snow 1:40:15
1:40:15
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1:40:15Accompany our ardent anchors as they inaugurate the fourth annual Yuletide interlude before finding themselves confined in the discomfort of Lair 3.0, encumbered by the plastic carcasses of ancient console conflict, and constrained by a convivial keeper who coerces our comrades to contend with a trio of topical computer games. In part one of this blizzard of blisters the three wise men talk about the N.E.R.D. Challenge, RetroN HD, Raspberry Pi, Dan Houser, and Your Commodore or Commodore Format magazine; we reveal the winner of this month’s overwhelmingly popular Community Challenge, collectively design a new festive banana butt plug, and our hosts make plans to take a Christmas trip together. During our placid plod we also discuss pantomimes, Sting, Fray Bentos, David Bowie, piss bottles, Mike Patton, bath bombs, Mr. Plow and leotards; we debate the death of the high street, exchange some Xmas presents, and we confirm our Brexit strategies. Mucus membranes include Retro Mikey saving Christmas, Ross sitting on lips and Thom licking vermin.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 41: Totally Chill Xmas Spesh part 2 ~ Operation Phase-Out 1:55:05
1:55:05
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1:55:05In part two of this year’s serene seasonal sleigh ride, Thom and Kelly exploit a chance encounter by playing Lethal Weapon on the SNES for an exclusive edition of the Gonarch’s Player while talking about occasional candles, Jason and his Technicolour Dreamcoat, Buck’s Fizz, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, mulled wine, Legends of Tomorrow, and Philip Schofield; we share our experience of London’s Winter Wonderland, review Jeff Wayne’s War of the Worlds Live, and we shamelessly promote our guest’s lifestyle blog. Our familiar fellows deliver a message from an overly friendly superfan before talking about Prey, racy stationary, Mega Man X, Mental Health First Aid, sports injuries and treatment, and the Make-A-Wish Foundation; we begin planning 2019’s Halloween theme, Ross provides an update in the increasingly popular Sensible Soccer career segment, and we assign a nickname to last month’s Community Challenge winner. Stress containers include Kelly dropping a hint, Thom taking punitive action and Ross making a deposit.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 41: Totally Chill Xmas Spesh part 3 ~ Posse Galore 1:29:45
1:29:45
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1:29:45Our naughty boys bring this cathartic cruise to a close in the third and final part, by methodically meandering through a list of their favoured visual entertainment experiences of 2018, randomly ranked in a tranquil top ten before being shared with the listener in a generally gleeful groove; we reveal our patented method for dynamic media adsorption, one of the little helpers suffers from ‘residual cockney’, and we have a trademarked Gonarch’s Lair speed round. We also talk about Red Dead Redemption 2 Online, sabbaticals, Star Wars memes, marmalade, Richard Ayoade, Teräs Käsi, crime documentaries, and the Demetrious; we have clarification from our most decorated guest on our latest neologism, Ross tries to explain the abundance of porn spam in his PSN account, and we witness a genuine Christmas miracle. Love wands include Thom being the captain and Ross spinning the Christmas wheel of fortune.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 40: Ballistic Bum Vomit 1:47:01
1:47:01
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1:47:01Life commences in crisis for our middle-aged masters of mayhem, as they grudgingly gather for a John Carpenter special; being one of the most versatile visionaries in the entertainment industry, and a personal hero of ours, J.C. has earned an entire episode devoted to his profusely prolific production. In this troubled trip our useless slashers discuss South Shield’s Drive-In Cinema, Rainbow Six: Siege censorship, The Quiet Place, Dead Cells, Slayer, Red Dead Redemption 2 reactions, Covert podcast, and North East Retro Den’s Halloween Retro Game Day; the Producer’s puns feature in a return to Lair 2.0 for a J.C. themed Gonarch’s Player, and we reveal the winner of this month’s Community Challenge. We also talk about John Saxon, Location Services, John Inman, speed dating, Franz Ferdinand, Skrillex, On the Buses, Skynet, and androgenetic alopecia; Ross shares an illness themed playlist, we create a new crime fighting duo, and make another desperate plea for sponsorship. Pregnant pauses include Ross breaking a record and Thom liberating damsels.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 40.5: Movies of the Mind 1:57:00
1:57:00
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1:57:00Obey and consume the second chapter of this composed compendium, as our damned deviants directly assault the audience’s audio processors with passionate parlance; temporarily escaping their excruciating existence to exchange chatter, chronicling the many games and movies John Carpenter has been credited for partaking in the creation of whilst discussing Rowdy Roddy Piper, Goblin, The Norm MacDonald Show, Ubre Blanca, Dario Argento, War of the Worlds Live, Between Two Ferns, Buckethead, J.C’s Anthology tour, and SNES drunk; we tackle horror movie tropes and parodies, debate the superiority of practical effects over CGI, and make a callback to Ross’ emergency ChapStick. We also mention screensavers, martial arts, tactical espionage, The Cumberland Arms, 4K restorations, Vaseline, and autoerotica; we share the concept of a Tremorian Hero, mock the PC Master Race, and Ross gives us a much needed Sensible Soccer career update. Ripping yarns include Thom’s fencing response and Ross running out of gum.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 39: Hallowe’en Special part 1 ~ Moon Lads 1:10:06
1:10:06
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1:10:06Happy Howl-O-Ween dear Headcrabs, take shelter this frightful night with our hirsute harem in their dog-eared den and witness our third annual abominable abortion; this year we turn our attention to werewolves, delving deeply into the origin of the legend including how one becomes, cures, or kills these canine catastrophes. In the first part of this bumper bestial batch the pestilent pack discuss Apostle, Platinum Trophies, The Haunting of Hill House, Anders Breivik, Maniac, and one of the Chris Evans; we reveal the winner of the Spike City Community Challenge, belatedly celebrate our 3rd anniversary, and we thank a returning guest for his overwhelming commitment to the show. We also talk about Dave Lombardo, ‘freak shows’, Romulus and Remus, Communion wafers, Dave Grohl’s Jägerbombs, and seasonal t-shirts; we sample various Halloween treats, do our best howls, and one of the presenters undergoes a remarkable metamorphosis. Silver bullets include Ross getting the beans above the frank, Thom being a Mexican wolf boy and Simon contacting his future self.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 39: Hallowe’en Special part 2 ~ Bloom of the Wolfbane 1:04:49
1:04:49
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1:04:49In part second of three our cursed company continue their punitive prowl through this lycan laden instalment by playing Werewolf: Last Warrior on the NES, while covering all the recent gaming news including the Battlefield V open beta, Black Ops 4, Red Dead Redemption 2 hype, Nioh, Streets of Rage 4, Dead Cells, World War Z, cross-play, the PlayStation Classic, and THQ Nordic’s acquisition spree; we ponder on Microsoft’s reveal of Xbox All Access, the concept of game influencer credit, and the upcoming Diablo, Alan Wake, and The Witcher TV shows. We also talk about Modest Pelican, phobias, Nathalie Ek, horse testicles, conspiracies, and clairvoyants; we read an email from a local retro gaming guru, enjoy some liquid refreshment courtesy of Black Storm Brewery, and we recap a recent event hosted by North East Retro Den. Tiger wolfs include Simon besting a foe, Ross reciting poetry and Thom demanding credit.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 39: Hallowe’en Special part 3 ~ The Beast Without 2:28:00
2:28:00
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2:28:00Raise your hackles and bear your teeth for a rough start to the third and final part of this rabid ramble, as our comical clan wearily rally to review every werewolf themed TV show, movie, and video game while discussing Stephen King, ellipsoid graphics, Alice Cooper, the Best Makeup Academy Award, Adult Swim, and our favourite transformation scenes; there are some dynamic puns, Ross shares his 13 Tracks of Spookdom playlist, and Simon tests our host’s knowledge with a typically tricky topical quiz. We also talk about Moby, watchmakers, Test Icicles, storm Callum, Nazi eagles, and we provide a Sensible Soccer career update; we read an email from Chris ‘Wolfman’ Dubz, learn about the tale of Peter Stumpp, and welcome the return of Ross’ Spotlight. Parting gifts include Thom eating himself, Simon sinking his teeth into it and Ross getting promoted.…
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The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts
1 Gonarch's Lair episode 38: Breakfast at Smash TV’s 2:09:46
2:09:46
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2:09:46Good luck listener, you’ll need it as our confounding cohort convenes to face the friendly flames of Lair 2.0 with hubris, hopeful that this month’s audio discharge will be practically palatable; the theme is disappointment but don’t allow that to obscure your unworthy wonted enthusiasm for the show, Ross and Thom once again deliver a decent dose of patented tangents and obscure obscenities in an increasingly caustic climate. During this trivial trek we discuss The Orville, DayZ, Dark Tourist, No Man’s Sky NEXT, Stath Lets Flats, Vigor, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and we receive a rebuking email from our biggest fan; we play two questionable versions of our favourite arcade games as part of a rebranding exercise, and we reveal who persevered long enough to become the victor in the QWOP Community Challenge. We also talk about Manowar, unofficial merchandise, John Carpenter live, mix tapes, The Presidents of the United States of America, Spanish City, and David Soul; we welcome a new member into the Gonarch’s Lair team, provide a Sensible Soccer career update, and we generally get overly hot and particularly bothered. Weird weekends include Ross buying that for a dollar and Thom earning his meat and two veg.…
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