Ep.42 The Beautifully Chaotic

The Chicken Mind Nuggets's Podcast

Chicken Mind Nuggets.

Hosted by Wifey

Chickenmindnuggets.com

[e-mail]

@mindchicken

References for this episode

(none, these are my own experiences)

Introduction music graciously provided by

Music from https://filmmusic.io
"Thinking Music" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)

Show script: (may differ slightly from spoken word)

This episode is inspired by Timber Hawkeye’s episode Neurodivergence. Timber explained how his mind works, and how he processes information and relates to the world. As I was listening to it, I realized I never shared my processes with you. I have explained some processes that I work with daily, but never how it all comes together and how I see the world. I would like to explain that to you, and maybe someone out there can relate to one, or more of what I am about to explain.

As some of you know, I have narcissistic abuse syndrome. I was gaslighted, and victim-blamed by my parents and grandparents for my entire life. This has led me to doubt and question almost everything because nothing has felt stable. I still have a hard time knowing what is real. When I thought I felt a certain way, I was told that’s not how I feel. This is damaging to a kid growing up, and as an adult, I still question how I feel. I have a hard time knowing how to put my words to my feelings. Am I happy? Am I excited? Am I angry? What are the factors that constructed these feelings, and are they true? The fact that I can’t fully answer these questions has led me to know that I am feeling “happy” or “sad” or “mad” by believing that the majority of that feeling exists within me. Let me explain. If I say I am feeling happy, I may be about 80% sure that I am feeling happy. The 20% is uncertainty, doubt, a healthy caution that events could change at any minute, and a decent amount of skepticism about what happy really means. The same goes for anger, frustration, sadness, grief, or any emotion. When I look back on how I felt about different situations, my flashbacks will give me one feeling, while the analysis of the situation will give me another. I may have a shame wave where a flashback will come into play and the initial shame, guilt, and fear may be met with numbness, curiosity, and exploration. Does that make sense?

I extensively process what people say. I fine-tooth comb it to hear if there is a hidden meaning. If a friend tells me about their difficult day at work, I will notice patterns in how they have talked about this before. I might hear that they have a repeated word, phrase, or situation, then analyze all the parts that encompass that. From there, I will put together a picture that my friend hates their job because of their constant discomfort in working with difficult people, or maybe they hate it because the people they work with are never respectful. My mind will go deeper by breaking apart the conversation into money, time, friendships, workload, compensation, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am working their job, and I am trying to separate each piece to make a decision if the job is worth it or not. I do this in almost every situation. Breaking down every element, until I get a reasonable percentage of each factor, then I study, analyze, and provide multiple conclusions on the situation based on my analysis. Here’s how it works. A friend asks, “Would you like to go to the Renaissance Fair?” I do the following. I think about crowds, the crowds then turn into multiple, slow-walking, disrespectful, loud, messy, wrong costume-wearing people. This then breaks down to: how long will I be able to stand walking in a crowded space? Will I run into anyone I know there? If I go to one of the shows, how long before people surround me and I feel trapped? Then we break down crowds into traffic. The traffic going there, walking through the fair, going home, and in the parking lot. There is also the food element. How long will the lines be? Can I be respectful and keep my mouth shut while waiting in line for a bottle of water when the people around me are throwing their trash on the ground? What about the people who get to the counter and don’t know what they want? Now we move on to the day itself. I will have to wake up early, which means rushing, and I am bad at that in the morning. What if I forget to lock a door? If this sounds very Sheldon Cooper-y, I don’t disagree with you.

I think you get it. Some of you would call it overanalyzing, overthinking, or being too anal. Remember that I grew up not knowing what reality is, so the only thing predictable was the unpredictable, and how my parents would turn on a dime. Asking questions and getting answers is a form of comfort, of inner control of my world and feelings, and a way for me to know if the situation I am walking into is dangerous or safe. I also love delving further into situations, uncovering more layers, and really understanding a scenario. Maybe that’s why I love conspiracy theories: there are a million branches down the rabbit hole to be discovered. However, unknowingly walking into a dangerous situation is one of the hardest mental setbacks a person with narcissistic abuse syndrome can endure.

I also look at eye movements, eyebrow movements, gestures, and mannerisms. If someone does something with a certain word or an eye gesture, and it’s similar or the same as someone I have encountered in my past, my brain quickly makes the association between the two and sometimes makes a judgment on the meaning. It’s not right, or accurate, and I have to catch myself every time my brain does it. If I say I don’t watch TV, and someone’s eyebrows go up, I might take that as they think I’m crazy. If someone ignores my question, I might think I said something wrong, and they are mad at me. It’s insecurities, I know, but it’s gotten better over the years.

Sometimes my OCD gets the best of me when I need it, and when I don’t need it. I will check the locks on my doors constantly because I can’t process that I already checked them. I will look at the tomato plant for any affected leaves to be sure I pruned it to perfection. At work, I triple-check my entries and what I did to make sure there won’t be any consequences, because at my job, if you mess up on a punctuation, letter, or number, it could be catastrophic, and possibly the end of your job. This is the last habit that a person with perfectionism like me needs, but it is also good to be detail-oriented and cautious.

This high level of constant background stress has caused my psoriasis to come back. It has also contributed to my 4-5 hours of nightly sleep, my nervous ticks, and some of my digestive issues. If what I told you so far was all you knew of me, I wouldn’t date me either.

Now here’s how I’ve been able to handle this side of me. During all these situations, I remain an observer. I am the thinker, and the watcher. I know I am thinking if I go to the Renaissance Fair, I might have an anxiety attack trying to use the restroom, but that knowing part is the observer. My OCD self does the OCD things, while the observer part of me watches me check the doors. You can think of it like the little devil and angel on your shoulder always trying to pull your strings to make a decision. I am self-aware of my habits. I have the ability to watch what the other part of me does. This relates back to the feelings, because if my anxiety starts to go up thinking about crowds, the observer will watch and try to provide reasons why the anxiety doesn’t need to be there. That battle is a long feud between my ever-present anxiety and my rational self. The anxiety isn’t as simple as talking myself out of it. When I was young, my parents got a prescription for Clonidine (a powerful muscle relaxer) to control my nightly anxiety attacks. I took it nightly for over 7 years beginning at the age of 4 because I had anxiety attacks every night. The crucial years of my development of emotional processing were robbed by gaslighting and numbing medication. I’m still learning how to process anxiety.

As the observer and the skeptic, I am also able to view the world through a beautiful lens. I question everything, which has given me a drive for learning. When someone says the sky is blue, I dig into what other colors it could be and why. I love it. I want to know more about everything and what entangles it. My reality has become a unique combination of dancing to the beat of my own drum and learning the hard way. While my knowledge of classic 80s and 90s movies is next to nothing, my drive to learn more about what Marcus Aurelias said that can still be applied today is burning. You may be in awe of a full moon with your significant other. In the same situation, I am thinking about the millions of people who have seen the moon before me, what they thought, how many people have been in love before, what the moon looked like without light pollution, and how freeing death might be.

If you were to meet me, you wouldn’t guess this is what goes on in my head. I am pretty well adjusted to the world, and even though I’m introverted, I love having a connection with people. I will look you in the eyes as we talk. I will listen deeply and give you the space to be here. I am aware that your presence in my life and my presence in your life may be short, or long-term. I know we may be friends one day and enemies the next. All of that remains at the front of my brain, for protection, but I appreciate it being there. Nothing lasts forever, so while you are here with me, I want to listen to you and understand you.

So now that you know some of what goes on in my head. I hope that I have helped someone feel a little less lonely. If you are a narcissistic abuse survivor, I know it’s hard to feel the ground beneath your feet. Your greatest weapon is your comeback from the abuse and cutting off all contact with those that have hurt you. You don’t need validation to be right, but you do need a sense of what IS right to help guide you. That comes from being around people who want the best for you and getting some help. Your abuse was real, your reactions were real, and if you ended up acting like a narcissist (because children act like their parents,) you are forgiven for all the hurt that you caused. Your next step forward is always better than no steps at all. If having a skeptical mind is your way of feeling grounded, great. Just remember, not everyone is a bad guy 😊

And if anyone listening has ever questioned their reality, feelings, or situations, why not invite an observer to the party to help document and see things from a different perspective? Try it out, you may like what the other you has to say 😊.

If you have enjoyed this podcast, please follow me on Twitter @mindchicken, Instagram at chickenmindnuggets, or leave a review on iTunes, listen to anywhere you listen to podcasts, or visit chickenmindnuggets.com